Sunday, 6 April 2014

Action plan.

Sooo tired of crying.

Sooo weary of always trying to drag myself up from depression.

Sooo annoyed with myself, because I have a pretty wonderful life, I should be happy!

Don't you hate the word "Should"?  Instant guilt maker.

Things that are bringing me down.  

-I miss my cats (I know, you've heard this one before, but wow, I really am not getting over them.  combination of them being amazingly wonderful cats and me being me)
-Pain.  This source of sadness is a given.
-Doing too much!  I have to learn to say no.  Not good at it.  And not care that I have said no!
-Caffeine.  The caffeine levels have risen significantly over the last few months, which always increases my anxiety levels.  Must stop being a dill with caffeine.

So, there are lots of places for action there!

Cuddle my new cats.
It does help, but they are not a very cuddly bunch.

Work on the pain!
Keep up physio, exercises, spa baths (mmmmh) add in more gym, stretching.  My Physio has recommended a psychologist who deals with sleep tension issues, so that can go on the list.

... but after we get the life threatening medical stuff dealt with.
Hubby's atrial fibrulations, my ongoing saga of "Is it cancer?  Not today, but what about this lump?" that my lovely doctor's are in the process of sorting out.  So far, all benign and the latest lumps have scanned as cysts, so yey!  and Mammogram... well, I didn't scream but I may have made some really interesting contorted faces trying not to scream.

They are smiling because they are sadists, but sadists who know that they are being good, kind, wonderful diagnosticians... 

Mammograms.  I had SO MUCH FEAR going into it.  A large metal plate, with a big perspex paddle coming down to flatten something soft and round that hurts when you poke it anyway... The radiologist was so nice, so calming, but she still kept forcing that perspex vice "Just a little lower".  Flat.  The round becomes flat.   It resents that and expresses itself through hundreds of nerve endings.

At least they don't take very long.  My Dentist Mantra "Soon this will all be a memory that I can block" helped me get through this.

Did you know you can't run away from something really painful when it has part of you in a vice?!

Say no.  No.  NO!
I suck at this.  Partly because I KNOW I can do things, but I forget how slowly I have to do all the things.  And how much doing things hurts.  And that people keep asking!  This is where hiding out at home is good.

Give up coke, take up tea.  Then convert to yummy herbals.

Now to go and prepare for one of those things I didn't want to say no to, performing at the "Acts of Love" fundraiser - great chance for me to help a little and get more comfortable with performing in public!

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