Saturday, 26 April 2014

I dreamed of a house last night

It was beautiful.  Possibly only to Hubby and myself.   We immediately bought it in the dream.   We were all happy to be moving into this house.  Princess made a friend while we were standing outside the house.

It wasn't better than our house now, the main difference I noticed was the sense of being nestled in nature, combined with being very private, but not isolated.  It was at the end of a short dirt road that had the feeling of only being used by locals.

Back in 1994, when we first saw Our House, it was the inviting warmth that drew us in and we fell in love.  I still get that same feeling every time I come home.
With this Dream House... it offered serenity.  It was enclosed by the other houses next to it with great weeping trees, like willows and wisteria, oak overhanging, but not encroaching.  The front yard had a plain driveway, a plain grass lawn, the house was dug into the yard and the backyard sloped down to a forest.  There was a sense of immensity to the backyard.  

This plain grass lawn was supporting other life.  Cats.  Probably about twenty cats.  Also, just before we went to look at this house, we picked up an adorable calico kitten in a pink carrier, which we decided to adopt at the same moment we decided to buy the house.

Dream houses represent yourself.
I read this when I dreamed of a dark, lichen growing unpainted wooden house, that I was warned not to go into.  It was set in the nightime, in a swampy, icky area that only had a tiny, overgrown trail to get to.  No one wanted to take me there, but I insisted.
The floor boards were breaking underfoot, the walls falling and while I was walking through the house, the stumps gave way and I fell in great fear, the house collapsing on me.  It was terrifying.
At this point, I was in a deep depression from pregnancy loss, suffering immense pain with my back and allergies and really in a very bad state emotionally and physically.

One key thing I noticed about the new and lovely house, was the shape of the block of land was trapezoid, with the front being narrower.   It made me think about how drained I have been lately, saying yes to all these exciting adventures and not giving myself enough recovery quiet time.  I think this dream was partly inspired after reading this last night.

It makes so much sense.  I am moving into a new me. :-)

" The house can depict a way we allow the world into our life, or exclude it"

Now that I am in the happy house, even in my dreams, now I need to learn balance.  Saying Yes! is fun, but being emotionally and intellectually exhausted is not.
I even think my dream is showing my understanding of that.  After meeting the agent to buy the house, it was pointed out that another house had just then come up for sale.  It was a magnificent house, full of 1910 style character, on a block on the main street, the sort of house you drool over.  I was tempted, but then thought it would be so much upkeep and end up being a strain and I didn't love it in that personal way I loved the little orange brick house all nestled into the ground.  I said, "No, thank you".  Hurrah!

Sunday, 6 April 2014

Action plan.

Sooo tired of crying.

Sooo weary of always trying to drag myself up from depression.

Sooo annoyed with myself, because I have a pretty wonderful life, I should be happy!

Don't you hate the word "Should"?  Instant guilt maker.

Things that are bringing me down.  

-I miss my cats (I know, you've heard this one before, but wow, I really am not getting over them.  combination of them being amazingly wonderful cats and me being me)
-Pain.  This source of sadness is a given.
-Doing too much!  I have to learn to say no.  Not good at it.  And not care that I have said no!
-Caffeine.  The caffeine levels have risen significantly over the last few months, which always increases my anxiety levels.  Must stop being a dill with caffeine.

So, there are lots of places for action there!

Cuddle my new cats.
It does help, but they are not a very cuddly bunch.

Work on the pain!
Keep up physio, exercises, spa baths (mmmmh) add in more gym, stretching.  My Physio has recommended a psychologist who deals with sleep tension issues, so that can go on the list.

... but after we get the life threatening medical stuff dealt with.
Hubby's atrial fibrulations, my ongoing saga of "Is it cancer?  Not today, but what about this lump?" that my lovely doctor's are in the process of sorting out.  So far, all benign and the latest lumps have scanned as cysts, so yey!  and Mammogram... well, I didn't scream but I may have made some really interesting contorted faces trying not to scream.

They are smiling because they are sadists, but sadists who know that they are being good, kind, wonderful diagnosticians... 

Mammograms.  I had SO MUCH FEAR going into it.  A large metal plate, with a big perspex paddle coming down to flatten something soft and round that hurts when you poke it anyway... The radiologist was so nice, so calming, but she still kept forcing that perspex vice "Just a little lower".  Flat.  The round becomes flat.   It resents that and expresses itself through hundreds of nerve endings.

At least they don't take very long.  My Dentist Mantra "Soon this will all be a memory that I can block" helped me get through this.

Did you know you can't run away from something really painful when it has part of you in a vice?!

Say no.  No.  NO!
I suck at this.  Partly because I KNOW I can do things, but I forget how slowly I have to do all the things.  And how much doing things hurts.  And that people keep asking!  This is where hiding out at home is good.

Give up coke, take up tea.  Then convert to yummy herbals.

Now to go and prepare for one of those things I didn't want to say no to, performing at the "Acts of Love" fundraiser - great chance for me to help a little and get more comfortable with performing in public!

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

That time of year

Parent Teacher interviews yesterday.
They were awesome.
Not so much because they were telling me how amazing my child is, but because a whole bunch if issues got sorted and highlighted.

It brought up that one of her biggest issues is now anxiety, it's effect on her schoolwork and sleep.

I feel really delighted about this - sounds horrible but it means we have worked through most everything else!!

So, my head is spinning with ideas to help reduce her anxiety.

The biggest one is that she needs a cuddly cat, one to sleep with, one to be able to give love to, one that will provide comfort.  However, she has a Sara Cat, independant, briefly affectionate and prefers to be outside as much as possible.

Lady Fluffington is a darling cuddle, but she's my cat and is proving it by discreetly managing to be wherever I am.  Pandora is a delight and occasionally cuddles, but her skill is in being adorable, playful and conversational.

So... Teeny Feral Nancy is our last hope.
Torties Galore.  Love My Nancy's Ginger cheeks and white mittens.
She has the best purr when I am allowed to pat her.  She has stopped slinking from the room when my Princess or Trickey enters.  We'll see.

Without a cuddly cat, I need MORE ideas for reducing anxiety.

New Journey!

My SiDana has been gone for a year, today.  I finally planted her rose two days ago, next to out Charlie's blooming rose.  Soon, I will have to start accepting that my little ray of tabbyshine really has gone.  But... not quite there yet.