Thursday, 2 May 2013

A new era

All my cats have passed on.  Including my Brother in law's cat that lived with us (as did he) for years.
Cats I have had since I was 21.  I am 41 now.  A whole era of my life, tied in with memories of those cats.

I am still crying, but I always knew it would be bad when My Dana and My Charlie left me.  I remind myself to breathe.  Great love causes great pain, but oh the love is wonderful.

Smug Bug and Charlie cat
One unexpected result of losing my beloved furbabies, one that I never would have thought of, has happened.

A freeing.
A release.
Old ideals, thoughts, reactions, beliefs... have been let go of.
Old hurts, especially those of losing my babies, are not wrapped as tightly around my heart.
As if I had been holding onto them to help hold on to my cats.  To keep them alive by maintaining the same environment in which they had been happy and healthy.

My hoarding is one.  I am finding it much easier to let go of Objects.
Anxieties that I had, especially those before pregnancy, fear of the public, fear of failure, fear of not being accepted, these had been whittled away by the wonderful social environment in RUCCIS.  The dropping away of these fears was very sudden after my SiDana cat left me.

I'm not sure if it is a release thing, or a "I don't care as much about anything right now because I miss Dana and Charlie" or what it is.

We went out to dinner with my BIL, for his birthday, and I gave him an album with pictures of his late Bilbo cat, that I had taken during the years Bilbo lived with us.  Looking through it, I could literally feel certain resentments, frustrations, emotions left over from our twenties, I could feel them dissapating into nothingness.  I had been holding onto them unnessecarily and now I was letting go.

There is a lightness in my heart.

Or, maybe I just miss my cats so much that everything else pales in comparison. 

So ridiculously pretty.  So fun.  So evil.  So loved me in an intense and demanding and adoring way, with reciprocated love from me.

2 comments:

  1. Every time one of my cats goes I always say 'No more'. Then, within a month, there's a new one strolls in through the cat-flap, hungry, pathetic and grateful. That doesn't last, but it lasts long enough for me to give in and adopt it. I never learn.

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    Replies
    1. It's a good thing. Imagining the last 16 years without SiDana or Charlie would be far worse than this hurt now.

      And... They totally know you are a sucker. Love it!

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