Wednesday, 29 May 2013

First impressions can be life changing.

Part 1:

SiDana Cat was very much a one person cat for most of her life.

I was so lucky to be that one person.
Fruitcake.  So wanted love, I so wanted
to give him love, but he could only
tolerate twenty seconds of being
touched before he went Psycho Killer
on your hands.
My first Tuxedo cat - so handsome!


The first day I met SiDana Kitten, I was trawling the Animal Rescue shelters for my very own girl kitten to love.  I wanted a silver tabby, they are so pretty.

First stop the R.S.P.C.A..  No cute girly cats, but I did meet the living reincarnation of my psychotic recently departed cat, Fruitcake.  I assured myself that I wasn't here to simply "replace" Fruity, but I did sneak in for a cuddle.  He was such an affectionate Tuxedo boy, cuddly, soft... my heart melted.  Still I left, determined to get my first girl cat.  With three boy cats and anything from two to five men living in my house, I needed some estrogen!

The pretty Tuxedo boy stayed in my mind, though.  It was nice to get that sense of satisfaction of being finally able to cuddle "Fruity", even though it wasn't poor, demented Fruitcake I was making happy.

Next stop, Animal Aid Shelter.  Lots of Tiny Tabbies, but no silver tabbies. 

Still, being somewhat cat mad, I stayed a while to watch them.  One teeny tabby, with a pointy tail and huge ears, caught my attention.  Then she ran madly to the back of the cage and dived under her blanket.  I felt that she wasn't interested in me and nearly moved onto the next cage, when her itsy little head with those extraodinary ears popped out from under the front of the blanket, checking to see if I was still watching. 

Oh!  She was playing up to me. 

My heart went all gooey and I asked if I could cuddle her.

They handed me this little fuzzy girl, that was small enough to sit on my palm.  Only she jumped off immediately, again filling me with that sense of rejection and that I was deluding myself she was interested.  I stood up, intending to ask the ladies to help me catch her and return her to her cage.  As I did, tiny, spikey sharp claws sunk into my legs, climbed all the way up to my shoulders, stopped for a moment, bit my ear and then sat on my head.  With claws deeply sunk in for balance.

Oh yes.  THIS was my girl.
Such a wuss.  Wearing a hat to protect him from Dana Spikes. ;-)
And... ZOMG the cuteness!
As the Teeny Tabby grew, she deigned to descend as far as my shoulders.  Which stayed her favourite perch for the next 16 years.





Saturday, 25 May 2013

Spoilt

It has been 20 years since my Husband had a cat of his own, that he adored.

He is completely smitten with Pandora kitten.   It's really adorable to watch.

Last night, when I finally made it to our bed, I found his kitten curled up sleeping near him.  Awwww, he loves it when she does that.

On closer inspection, I found her curled up on the new, ridiculously soft mat that we bought her.  Awww, he is so indulgent with her.

I snuggled in.  It was SOOOO warm.

Trickey had also put the hot water bottle UNDER the kitten's mat, so his Tiny heat loving Tabby would be extra warm.

Spoilt. 

This is as it should be. 

Friday, 24 May 2013

Sick of me whining about my cats yet?

My cat.
My cat.
My cat, My cat, my cats.
Oh Dana cat, I want you back,
I miss you more than I feared.

Your screech when upon your paw I stood,
as you wound under my feet.
Your claws dug sharp for a balance grip,
when to my back you'd leap.

I miss your face, your trill, your you,
I miss you all the time.
I want you back, my Dana cat,
Tabby girl who was all mine.

It's like the light, once shiny bright,
is grey, is dull, is gone.
And where's my Charlie cat to comfort
me when I'm all forlorn?

My silly boy, whose vacant stare
could adore me to my toes,
as up he'd stand, leap to my arms,
and smooch with his wet nose.

This pair, my babies, my furry loves,
It sucks without you near.
I expect to see your faces as I return,
and still you both aren't here.

I'm supposed to be working through my loss,
and some days I feel I am.
Nothing feels quite right, quite good, quite fun, quite home, quite real.
I'm lost, confused, detached and

I can't have you back.  My cat. My cat.
My Cat. My Cat. My Cats.


So I have to get on with moving on. 

They were a pair, which I didn't realise until Charlie Cat died.  Isn't that bizarre?  They complemented each other so well, that together, they were the perfect cat.   
They were both mine.  So Mine.  They were adorable and wonderful and so much work and I loved them both and no other cat feels quite right when I pick them up. 
So, I've been keeping very busy, which has helped, I'm certainly not in a black depression.  However, I'm not functioning very well, my brain is so fuzzy and I probably need to go another step to getting myself back into the light. 

I have three wonderful new cats that deserve my love, a remarkable daughter, a delightful husband, an amazing community with Ruccis and The Cat Corner, and I probably need to go and stare at the sea for a while.  Reboot.  Reset. 
You know one good thing?  I didn't take those darlings for granted.  I knew exactly how wonderful my Tabby and my Tuxey were and enjoyed them and spoiled them. 

Awesome Cats.




Monday, 20 May 2013

An insomniac's company

The numbers on the dial say it's time to go to sleep,
Abandoned by the cats for the warmth under the sheets,
My brain is slowing down and my spelling needs redeeming,
Only one email to send before I'm free to join them dreaming.

Yet I set the kettle boiling, excuses I am making,
A licorice tea before rest to reduce my body's aching,
Dither round, the heat pack's found, to sooth shoulders sore,
If I put my mind to it, I'll think up something more.

Things to distract me from the dilemma of knowing I must retire,
My bed, so soft, so comfy warm, singing to me like a choir,
For several hours, my sleep will be a blessed, restful doze,
Until my dreams twist into terror, destroying my repose.

How many hours will I sleep, till my heart beats fast with fear,
From nightmares prancing in my head, with their nasty, horrid leer,
I dream in stereophonic colour, with taste, texture and with scent,
Reality mixes it's memories with these nightly horrors I lament.

I've learnt to wake, to separate, these moments a nightmare gives,
to ensure I know in future days these memories have not been lived,
To sleep too soon invites return, re-dreaming repeatedly,
Thus these books, old familiar tales, are an insomniac's company.

Sunday, 19 May 2013

Gardening.

Tired.
Tired from doing too much, tired from grief, tired of crying, tired of discovering that when you do fulfill someone's expectations of you, they simply increase those expectations.

However, one good thing has come from this (apart from all the good things that have been done lately!).

I learnt to say no and NOT FEEL GUILTY. 

Awesome sauce.

Time management, you will be a part of my life!

I am really looking forward to Tomorrow.  

Tomorrow, I am starting full on focus on this years RUCCIS Cabaret! 
Last night we had so much fun, playing with facepaints and photographs to create the look for the show and to get the advertising started.  With felines galore joining in to add to the fun.

Today...
I am going to finally plant SiDana cat's rose over her grave and let myself accept that she really is gone.   My heart has been holding on so tightly to her, my tension is so high and I must not do this to myself again. 

On a delightful note, Pandora found her Meow on Friday at the vet!  Unlike a friend's cat who found their meow this week, and then used it all day, "New toy, Mum, I'm going to play with it ALL THE TIME!!", we didn't hear it again.   Yesterday, she was all meh, recovering from her immunisation.  She didn't eat much.

Today, Lil Miss Pandora was a very hungry kitten.  She told me so!  In tiny little itsy meow's and wonders of wonders - a trill!  I so love a cat's trill!  I hope she will become more conversational as she matures.  I dreadfully miss my conversations with SiDana.  Now I have a Sara and a Pandora to share my thoughts with. 

Daisy Dora



Sunday, 5 May 2013

Esmerelda the Goddess of Grace

Shiny Hoops!
Last Sat night,
I
took a little (shiny!) bit of RUCCIS out to the community on Sat night, performing a "The Goddess Within - A Community Dance and Arts Event" 

There was a brilliant and painful explanation of the miseries that women suffered that lead to them seeking trauma therapy at The Art2 Therapy Project,  which I shall not share on this blog, due to my settings for this blog.  It was very eye opening for my daughter, to realise how some children are treated.

Her emotions were engaged and she was quite angry at the treatment they had to live with.  Princess has always known she is well treated, she just hadn't understood what "badly treated" meant.  For this alone, the night was well worth it.

And I got to create a whole new act!  With Shiny Hoops! 
 

Thursday, 2 May 2013

A new era

All my cats have passed on.  Including my Brother in law's cat that lived with us (as did he) for years.
Cats I have had since I was 21.  I am 41 now.  A whole era of my life, tied in with memories of those cats.

I am still crying, but I always knew it would be bad when My Dana and My Charlie left me.  I remind myself to breathe.  Great love causes great pain, but oh the love is wonderful.

Smug Bug and Charlie cat
One unexpected result of losing my beloved furbabies, one that I never would have thought of, has happened.

A freeing.
A release.
Old ideals, thoughts, reactions, beliefs... have been let go of.
Old hurts, especially those of losing my babies, are not wrapped as tightly around my heart.
As if I had been holding onto them to help hold on to my cats.  To keep them alive by maintaining the same environment in which they had been happy and healthy.

My hoarding is one.  I am finding it much easier to let go of Objects.
Anxieties that I had, especially those before pregnancy, fear of the public, fear of failure, fear of not being accepted, these had been whittled away by the wonderful social environment in RUCCIS.  The dropping away of these fears was very sudden after my SiDana cat left me.

I'm not sure if it is a release thing, or a "I don't care as much about anything right now because I miss Dana and Charlie" or what it is.

We went out to dinner with my BIL, for his birthday, and I gave him an album with pictures of his late Bilbo cat, that I had taken during the years Bilbo lived with us.  Looking through it, I could literally feel certain resentments, frustrations, emotions left over from our twenties, I could feel them dissapating into nothingness.  I had been holding onto them unnessecarily and now I was letting go.

There is a lightness in my heart.

Or, maybe I just miss my cats so much that everything else pales in comparison. 

So ridiculously pretty.  So fun.  So evil.  So loved me in an intense and demanding and adoring way, with reciprocated love from me.