Saturday, 13 April 2013

Cat shaped hole in my soul

Busyness helps to distract.

Empathy for a friend who recently lost a loved friend helps me keep perspective.

Kitten cuddles and her Tabby purrs under the doona with me help.

The joy of watching Else Fluffington come out form her hidey hole and play a little with feathery toys helps.

Sara of the thick, lush fur smooches and trills help.

Happy daughter helps.

Knowing Hubby is feeling the same way and I am not alone in my grief helps.

It all helps.

I miss Charlie and SiDana cats so intrinsically that every moment I can feel the raw, aching edges of their loss in my life.

When I lost Cynthia (Pregnancy no. 5) it felt like there was a large round hole in my chest where my heart should be, with cauterised edges that caught on everything.  Burned out of my body.  Filling up with my tears.  Even now, while it has healed, the emotional scar of that aches around my heart.

Driving into the driveway last night, after a lovely night out with an old friend, I realised I didn't have to check the driveway for my Tabby Camoflague Cat before I drove in.  That also meant I wouldn't have my Furbaby conversation as I got out of the car, there would be no stories about her day in the sun, no listening to my tales with her delicate trill and responding.

For the last sixteen years, I have had a constant companion who talked with me, who listened, who loved me unconditionally, who always forgave me, who wanted to be with me.  Whom I could love and give time to and adore and listen to and be with.  Who needed me.  Whom I needed.

I feel so adrift.  So lost.  So broken. 

My head hurts.
My heart hurts.
My soul cries.

All I can do is accept it and move on.
Rejoice that she and Charlie cat were such amazing furbabies.

When the Diva is on your lap, you no longer have to do anything, your role is provide her a place to sleep.
The rest of the household with bring you tea, food, books, anything you need.
Prettiest nose ever.
If I had sucked up to her enough, Sidana would let me stroke one finger down her nose.  Once.  If I tried again, she would bite me.  Love her SO MUCH.

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