Tuesday, 9 April 2013

20 years on and I am still letting go.

Kittens are coming home today!
http://www.petrescue.com.au/listings/225771 Pandora (Satin)
http://statigr.am/p/331361293563052529_238412287 Elsie (Fluffington)
MINE!

So excited.  So worried about Elsie being happy here, she is a rehabilitated feral who loves cats but isn't that impressed by people.  I adore her, partly because she is astoundingly gorgeous and because deep in my soul, I want to make her happy.  Her way.  I am aware I may never get to pat her.  But if she will play with Pandora and Sara, sit happily in the sun on the windowsill and maybe, just maybe, learn how to meow (but who knows what caused her to lose her meow, damage or fear?) then I will be ecstatic.

Pandora is expected to fit right in and just start being adorable and cuddly and playing with both cats. :D

As a result, I am doing an intense clean of the house, focusing on our bedroom, which will be their safe place as they settle in. 

I am finding things! 

My long lost and since replaced working with children check!
The 60's metal hip belts that my aunt gave me.
The wind up bunny rabbit toy I got one easter as a kid.
My donkey Kong Junior "watch and play" from the early 80's.
The missing piece of fabric from the quilt I started years ago.  (Does this mean I have to finish it now?)
The snowflake obsidian polished egg that my first fionce gave me.

The egg.  The grey and black egg.

His presents always confused me. 
Why would someone give me something so dreary? 
But it was a polished stone, which I love. 
But black and grey when I was the queen of fluro? 
But the patterns were pretty? 
What was the thought behind it?

The necklace he gave me that he said reminded him of me. 
The chain was beautiful, so delicate and silver... but the heart pendant.  I hated it.  I tried to love it, I tried to see what in it's rounded, shape, with the light impression of tacky flowers could have in affinity with me. 

The scarf he gave me after one of our many fights about how he sees me as he wants me to be, how he desired to mold me, how he isn't open to accepting who I was.  I appreciated that he was trying.  It was a tie dye scarf, with a horrific burgundy and clashing chartruese green.  I was known for liking colours that clash.  I love green and purple.  It was silk.  Mmmmmmh, silk.

I still have that too.

It's been twenty years.   I need to let go.  I need to get his voice, his opinions, his criticisms, out of my head. 

Trickey commented on it the other day.  That my ex's opinion is of no importance to me, to us, anymore and I didn't need to worry about it. 

The egg goes today.  One more step towards letting go. 

I might go get the scarf and make it go, too.

My mind.  My thoughts.  My freedom.

4 comments:

  1. If only it was so easy, but there is a 15 yo which makes it impossible for me.

    Throw the froggin egg on the ocean!

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    1. *giggles* My first thought was, "What if I hit some poor fish on the head?!"

      Yes, I was very lucky to come away with no ties to my ex. Though I'm sure that your 15 yo "Tie" is worth every moment of stress.

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  2. Sounds to me like you're going to give those gorgeous kittys a beautiful new life. Oh and I agree with Joeh, get rid of the egg with some sort of ceremonial discarding. Give yourelf the freedom your giving to your newest additions x

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    1. Kittens! :D:D:D:D:D:D
      Bye, bye, eggy. I'm liking the physical act of throwing it, it would have to help cement in my brain that I want it away and not part of me.

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