Monday, 15 April 2013

Sarah 'Doogs' McDougall - Hula Showreel 2013

This woman is my inspiration!

Doogs is determined, strong, lives life so intensely and fully, loves chocolate and shares her enthusiasm with all around her.  When she broke her ankle, she worked harder on her handstands.  When she doesn't know any new tricks for the Lyra to teach in her Aerial (trapese, tissu, etc) class, Doogs found someone who did, learnt from them and came back to share with us.

Doogs is amazing.

And, wow, can she hula hoop!  Watch!

This lady has time for everyone.  When I was at my physical worst, I met Doogs during my chiropractic care.  Her energy and smile was uplifting and soon, I was asking her advice on health issues, trying the things she suggested (Freshly made vege juice is amazing stuff for your body!), soaking up her positivity and trying some of that in my own life.  Plus, she's just plain good fun.

Princess and I even asked her opinion on whether or not it would Ballet or trying out Karate that year, we simply couldn't decide.  Her response?  "Circus!  Princess would love the circus classes at RUCCIS."

Now, Sarah "Doogs" McDougall is a NICA qualified circus performer, excelling on single point trapeze, including the only chain based trapeze I have ever seen (and played on!) and an amazing Hooper! 

She performs with a travelling circus troupe called Almost Exactly Circus whom had us laughing so hard Princess's friend said her face hurt but she didn't want to stop laughing anyway.

With people like this in your life, fun will happen and attitudes improve!  Plus, being mesmerised by those Shiny Hoops!  And point your toes!

Saturday, 13 April 2013

Cat shaped hole in my soul

Busyness helps to distract.

Empathy for a friend who recently lost a loved friend helps me keep perspective.

Kitten cuddles and her Tabby purrs under the doona with me help.

The joy of watching Else Fluffington come out form her hidey hole and play a little with feathery toys helps.

Sara of the thick, lush fur smooches and trills help.

Happy daughter helps.

Knowing Hubby is feeling the same way and I am not alone in my grief helps.

It all helps.

I miss Charlie and SiDana cats so intrinsically that every moment I can feel the raw, aching edges of their loss in my life.

When I lost Cynthia (Pregnancy no. 5) it felt like there was a large round hole in my chest where my heart should be, with cauterised edges that caught on everything.  Burned out of my body.  Filling up with my tears.  Even now, while it has healed, the emotional scar of that aches around my heart.

Driving into the driveway last night, after a lovely night out with an old friend, I realised I didn't have to check the driveway for my Tabby Camoflague Cat before I drove in.  That also meant I wouldn't have my Furbaby conversation as I got out of the car, there would be no stories about her day in the sun, no listening to my tales with her delicate trill and responding.

For the last sixteen years, I have had a constant companion who talked with me, who listened, who loved me unconditionally, who always forgave me, who wanted to be with me.  Whom I could love and give time to and adore and listen to and be with.  Who needed me.  Whom I needed.

I feel so adrift.  So lost.  So broken. 

My head hurts.
My heart hurts.
My soul cries.

All I can do is accept it and move on.
Rejoice that she and Charlie cat were such amazing furbabies.

When the Diva is on your lap, you no longer have to do anything, your role is provide her a place to sleep.
The rest of the household with bring you tea, food, books, anything you need.
Prettiest nose ever.
If I had sucked up to her enough, Sidana would let me stroke one finger down her nose.  Once.  If I tried again, she would bite me.  Love her SO MUCH.

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

20 years on and I am still letting go.

Kittens are coming home today! Pandora (Satin) Elsie (Fluffington)

So excited.  So worried about Elsie being happy here, she is a rehabilitated feral who loves cats but isn't that impressed by people.  I adore her, partly because she is astoundingly gorgeous and because deep in my soul, I want to make her happy.  Her way.  I am aware I may never get to pat her.  But if she will play with Pandora and Sara, sit happily in the sun on the windowsill and maybe, just maybe, learn how to meow (but who knows what caused her to lose her meow, damage or fear?) then I will be ecstatic.

Pandora is expected to fit right in and just start being adorable and cuddly and playing with both cats. :D

As a result, I am doing an intense clean of the house, focusing on our bedroom, which will be their safe place as they settle in. 

I am finding things! 

My long lost and since replaced working with children check!
The 60's metal hip belts that my aunt gave me.
The wind up bunny rabbit toy I got one easter as a kid.
My donkey Kong Junior "watch and play" from the early 80's.
The missing piece of fabric from the quilt I started years ago.  (Does this mean I have to finish it now?)
The snowflake obsidian polished egg that my first fionce gave me.

The egg.  The grey and black egg.

His presents always confused me. 
Why would someone give me something so dreary? 
But it was a polished stone, which I love. 
But black and grey when I was the queen of fluro? 
But the patterns were pretty? 
What was the thought behind it?

The necklace he gave me that he said reminded him of me. 
The chain was beautiful, so delicate and silver... but the heart pendant.  I hated it.  I tried to love it, I tried to see what in it's rounded, shape, with the light impression of tacky flowers could have in affinity with me. 

The scarf he gave me after one of our many fights about how he sees me as he wants me to be, how he desired to mold me, how he isn't open to accepting who I was.  I appreciated that he was trying.  It was a tie dye scarf, with a horrific burgundy and clashing chartruese green.  I was known for liking colours that clash.  I love green and purple.  It was silk.  Mmmmmmh, silk.

I still have that too.

It's been twenty years.   I need to let go.  I need to get his voice, his opinions, his criticisms, out of my head. 

Trickey commented on it the other day.  That my ex's opinion is of no importance to me, to us, anymore and I didn't need to worry about it. 

The egg goes today.  One more step towards letting go. 

I might go get the scarf and make it go, too.

My mind.  My thoughts.  My freedom.

Friday, 5 April 2013

L Plater

Sadness still pervades my soul.  Thankfully, all those years of counselling, living through loss and grief have helped me to learn that even in your sadness, take those moments of happiness in each day and revel in them.  The person or cat you have lost doesn't want you to be sad, sunk in misery and loss, denying the shininess that is available to you.

Never feel guilty for feeling happy while sad things in your life are happening.

Yesterday, I volunteered to watch The Cat Corner for an hour, so several cats who had found homes could be taken to the vet for desexing.  If I (or someone else) hadn't been available, then the store would simply have had to be closed for an hour, which is never good for a business or a charity.

So I popped in, revved up the vacuum cleaner and expected to spend the hour cleaning.

Two families came in looking for cats and kittens to adopt.

I copied what I had seen Kerri do, asking about their family, what they wanted in a cat and introduced them to the cats and kittens I thought most appropriate.

Fortunately, one of the ladies had been in earlier that week and when she asked to hold Cooper, she also asked for the hand sanitiser!  Which I hadn't even thought about!  I am such an L Plater at this. 

What made this day so special, other than the fun of talking to people who also love cats, and one family who had lost their cat the same day I lost my beloved, adored, precious SiDana, was that I got to be part of a family chosing their new furbaby to love.  This little fella now has a home and he is going to be worshipped by them, even as he destroys their curtains and jumps up on the dinner table to join in the evening meal.

Sure, he looks peaceful right now....

I felt that this must be the joy a midwife feels.  Not of creating your own new person to love, but assisting someone else to find their own new furperson to love.

It was good.

It was healing.

That kitten was really wriggly and ever so hard to get in and out of the cage.

GO forth and find many happy moments!  And tell me about them! 

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

I wasn't brave today

Through much of my life, I have been very brave.  So much scares me, social situations, spiders, death and usually I take what must be, cry about it and do it.

Not today.

My Tabby SiDana has been sneezing for a few days.
A friend suggested I clean up my neglected and dusty house, and it did seem to help.  She still was sniffly, but not as bad.

Isaac needed to go to the vet to get his camel hump installed.  (Technical term for subcutaneous fluid - helps with his kidney issues)

The vet looked and listened to my Tabby's heart and beathing and offered to put her to sleep.

He made it my choice.

I wasn't brave.

But I'll have to be brave in a few days.

Today, an hour before the vet's visit.
I knew.  Denial is a very powerful emotion.
SiDana just makes me so happy.
Edit: I got brave.  My lovely furball was obviously having troubles breathing and Hubby came home and we took her.  Before she was in to much pain.  We did good.  I miss her so much I'm having trouble breathing and I was already struggling in my recovery from losing Charlie. 

They were awesome cats.  Their lives brightened up my life and the memories of them will continue to shine warmly in my soul. 
SiDana was so perfect.  Exceedingly clingy, loving (to me), intelligent, interested in everything, so agile and just a pleasure to watch and be with.  Pair her up with my sunshiney cuddle, the Tuxedo Man who wanted to play and love and had the lushest fur, I was a very, very lucky Cat Mama.

Monday, 1 April 2013

The story of Pandora

I love ancient Greek, Roman and Celtic Mythology.

I love the temperamental Gods and Godesses, the mythological beasts of terror and amazement.

One of my favourite stories has long been about Pandora.  Much like "The Red Shoes", the story of giving into temptation and it's astoundingly tragic consequences That Could Not Be Fixed only ameliorated and managed is something I have struggled with in my own life.  The lesson I found so challenging.

The story of Iseult and Tristan had another lesson for me.  To let things run their own course.  That constantly trying to be in control only leads to tension, anxiety and constant brain agony as I think, think, think of what I can possibly do to fix this situation or make it follow the path I want it to.  Sometimes interference, no matter how well intended, causes a situation to follow an unexpectedly twisted path. 

One far more trivial aspect of reading these stories over and over as a child, was a love for names, a love for the history of names, a love that burned because my own name wasn't the one that fitted me.

I fixed that.

The interference of changing my name did cause much family angst, who apparently think my old name suited me quite well and they liked it.  Dad understood my feelings but gently pointed out that he will never remember to call me by my new name, which is okay.  Mum (who chose my name) keeps reminding me that I can change it back.  My Sister refuses to acknowledge that I committed this heinous crime.

Thus, I think very hard before I name a new family member.  My first very own cat, a fluffy Tabby boy was named Delius, after the composer and the Kate Bush song about him.  I felt the music sounded like paws padding gaily about the house.

Did you want to shut the door, Mum?  Well, I'm sunbathing and the sun is just right here in the doorway, so I'm not moving.

My next Kitten, a tiny Tabby girl, had the softest, silkiest fur I had ever felt.  Patting her is a luxery that fortunately, she enjoys too.  I was reading Katherine Kerr and Traci Harding at the time, and a Celtic/Welsh term for silk was Sidan.  Thus, Sidana was named.
OMG the cuteness!

The Man thing, he names cats Barry and Isaac and Charlie.  Is all good.

My Princess aptly named her kitten Sara, which means Princess.  I love the name Sara and love singing it out to our new Tortie girl as I try to convince her to come out from under the patio for cuddles.

So we always name our own cats.
Which created some confusion, when we decided to get Sara Kitten a Kitten!  Squeeeee!
See this gorgeous Sara Kitten picture below?  SiDana was sleeping on the other side of the azalea, Sara plotting her pounce.  I may be a total spoilt sport, cos Dana is MY baby girl-cat and she doesn't like being pounced upon, so I patted her, woke up Her Royal Deafness and alerted her to possible Tortie mischief.
Sara has gained the nickname Violet, not because she plays amongst them, but because her fur colouring reminds Trickey of a Violet Crumble (honeycomb and chocolate).

A few days later, Trickey and I sat in the backyward, watching Sara play Skittles, very effectively knocking over Isaac Cat, five times in a row.  I snuggled into He Who Rules The Family and played the "Insist card". 
"Trickey, I think Sara needs a friend and these two geriatrics might live for years more*.  Tomorrow, I am going to get her a friend."
He agreed.  Isaac is HIS cat, after all. ;-)

*Remember when Charlie was the healthy cat and I didn't expect Izie or Dana to survive the summer??

I did not get Lady Fluffington.  I was so tempted, I wanted to, I had earlier dragged Trickey into The Cat Corner and pointed out all her good points.  He thought she was very pretty.  He also thought she would be high maintenance.  Says the man who chose Isaac the almost intolerable cat.  He adored the Black and White Kittens and the two Tiny Tabby sisters.

This next furbaby had to be one for Sara Kitten.  Someone gently playful.  Also, this next furbaby had to be one that would love Trickey, since he has not had a cat that adored and cherished him since his beautiful Barry cat, 20 years ago.

My Beautiful Lady Fluffington stayed behind.

We shall rejoice and adore the Tiny Tabby girl that will join us soon!  Together, we started the name choosing process.  Daisy, Elsie, Cindy, Lucy.  Not one name that all agreed upon.  So, randomly we picked a letter and read out many choices.  Vittoria was nearly a go, but I didn't want the nickname Tory or Vitty.  Aurora was yet again rejected.  Artemis, Athena and Venus, not quite right.  Though Venus nearly made it due to our giggling about what it rhymes with.

I liked Iris, but that is one of the evil Step-Granmother's names, and I figured my Mum wouldn't like it.  Having said that, the other Step-Grandma of evil is called Dora.  I LOVE the name Dora.  I still don't associate it with She Who Causes Misery (cos I called her Grandma for so long).  I associate it with Isadora Duncan, Theadora from Georgette Heyer novels, Emphadora from a book I read as a child.  And Pandora.  I love the name Pandora.

Apparently, so do Trickey and My Princess!

Our Soon to be Tiny Pandora!

I am so excited I can barely breathe, but for some reason I am holding it all in.

But I want to Squeeeeeeeeeee!  over her adorableness somewhere so....

She's a bit cheeky too.