Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Role Model Cat

My new cats are awesome and I love them.

I've been waiting for the adoration to build to early "Dana Cat" levels...

and it hasn't.

Pondering this occurance over the last few weeks has lead to much introspection.

One reason I adored SiDana so intensely was her unashamedness at being who and what she was.

Trickey sent me this picture, from The Onion News once.


There was no doubts about it, SiDana was a efficient killer.  Who liked to eat half her prey (I love presents!).

SiDana was possessive and jealous and if she ever thought about this, probably considered these to be some of her most endearing traits.

My Tabby of stunning gorgeousness loved a good fight.  And when she'd had enough, she also liked to get away from the fight, leaving the other cat fuming with futile angst.  Up high.  Her agility was astounding and I admit to feeling smugly proud of the way she could leap to my shoulder with ease.

During one of her battles, her ear became injured, and even with good care it healed like this.
Trickey mourned the loss of my girl cat's perfect ear but I... I felt it was right.  She was outrageously pretty, and that little scar told the world that she was more than just silky fur and beautifully large almond eyes.  She was a Warrior!  A Huntress!  A Defender!  Amazon Cat!  Who will sleep when and where she wants to without trying to keep up any kind of image!



Everything of mine, was hers.  Everything I did, I was to do with her.  Especially sewing.  She loved sewing.  Fabric to play in, that shiny needle to catch, sunshine on the sewing table when she was sleepy.  And Me.  I was there.  She wanted me.


It was a huge thing (Slightly oppressive!) to be so intently needed.  Constantly showered with expressions of her absolute adoration.  Unashamed about needing me.  Not trying to show the world she could be independant and cope alone she allowed herself to admit her dependence upon another.

For 16 years, I had someone who always wanted to be near me and thought I was the world's most amazing creation.  I became unashamed of loving this attention, sharing her love, needing her too.

  Like Peter Gabriel sings,
"And in this moment, I need to be needed
With this darkness all around me, I like to be liked
In this emptiness and fear, I want to be wanted
'Cause I love to be loved
I love to be loved"

I would get told, in no uncertain terms, of her displeasure, were I to stay away from home for too long.  After every holiday away from my cats, there were vet visits, which always turned out to be that she had become depressed or stressed with me away.  Fur licked off in huge patches, unwillingness to eat, lethargy.
All cured with a week of attention.  Missing those we love does cause sadness.  And this is Tabby-cceptable.

This is the look I got from my 15yr old girl cat when I deposed her from my shoulder one day for digging her claw into the scar on my back too many times in a row.
Complete lack of comprehension as to why she was no longer where she wanted to be, plus a hefty dose of teenage petulance at being denied what she wanted!  She gave herself the Freedom to express her feelings via that look!


So much pretty in one tiny, intelligent, self centred, evil, dominating, adoring, shoulder cat.
Her balance was amazing.  I could do most housework with her staying on my shouler, talking to me about what we were doing in that so gorgeous voice of hers.  Especially after having so many part siamese/burmese cats, her chirrup and trill were aural magic.  Her purr had a better sound than any I have heard and she used to sprinkle a trill into it, to change the colour of the sound from that golden tan to a shimmering warm pink.  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chromesthesia in case that made no sense.  I see sounds.  It's fun)
(This bit was probably not role model oriented, but I do feel a sense of delight when I balance on the tightrope, Dana cat like!)


And then... SiDana cat was silly.  With all her grace, her evil, her intensity, give that girl a "my Little Pony" and she would go nuts. Roll on the floor with it, smooch all over it, play with the mane.  Drool a little.  Have fun without  worrying how exceedingly ridiculous she looked.

(The pony would need a bath after I had found where she stashed it.)

No Shame.  Just being Dana.  Being her.  Loving me.  Being a girl who wasn't always trying to be right for our culture but being right for Dana.
Asking for what she wanted.
Being Tabby.

My girl cat. 
Her girl human.

An interesting Role model choice, but the right one for me. *grins*



Monday, 8 July 2013

Squawk!

Done.
Here is some video cos my brain has pretty much said it needs an adrenaline break and cos Luth is amazing with her video camera and probably a little because I was performing with Luth's talented Mama, Judy.
I'm the one who does all the swinging back and forth stuff.  And the forgetting to swing the trapese when Jane and Judy do their duo bit, so it's not very visible.  *slaps self in face and then forgives self, cos can't fix that now.  C'est la vie*

Enjoy.


Saturday, 6 July 2013

It's tonight!

Dress rehearsal.
So nervous/excited/worried/squeeeee!

Love the energy in a performance.  I can understand why people make this a lifestyle.


Thursday, 4 July 2013

Words hard

Two days before Cabaret.
Costumes nearly finished but I can't bring myself to go near the sewing machine again.

So exhausted. 

It's going to be so much fun.


Sunday, 16 June 2013

This week

This week I still miss my cats.  My Dana and my Charlie.  My cuddles.

This week showed me that even during a depression, I can force my brain to create.  It is forced, though and I can sense that it is very shallow. 

This week was a week of letting go - of control over a project, of some of the loss, of dreams of how I expected my new cats to behave.

This week had some moments so low that life seemed pointless and some moments that were simply relaxing and warm.

This week made me value my friends.

This week taught me that I can get affection from many different places, smaller doses, but maybe enough to get by.  And yes, I am talking about the cats and kittens at The Cat Corner.

This week brought many new sparkly things into play.

This week I learnt that letting go of control over my daughter's life, partly in order to teach her independence, doesn't work when she is not self motivated. 

This week I danced in sadness, danced to express anger and danced with joy.

This week... I'm still a mess, a grieving woman seeking to find a way to fill the emptiness, living on a rollercoaster where sometimes I can see that it will be okay and others I am sunk deep in the fear that I will never dance in the sunshine again.

This week, hubby and daughter gave me extra cuddles, extra attention and extra support.  Hubby even put on my favourite music when we went driving today.  Then made me cry by explaining how a particular song reminded him of Dana-cat.

"Little light... shining
Little light... guide them, to me.
My face is all lit up,
my face is all lit up"

This week was full of amazing people whom make the world a better place. 

This week.  Is nearly over. 
Next week is full of potential.  It's up to me to make it awesome.

Friday, 14 June 2013

Interpretive Dance.

My focus recently has been on Interpretive Dance with apparatus.

I so enjoyed writing that.  Interpretive Dance was the byword for being slightly bizarre, out there and also, just a little bit of freedom when I was in High School.  It was the fallback comment, "If you don't finish your essay, I'll expect you to give the class a demonstration of the topic through Interpretive Dance."  



After exploring how to express Strength and Grace with my hoops, I am now exploring how to be a cloud, fluffy and dancing in the wind, wild and tempestuous through a storm and rising to combine with the sun and create a rainbow.

Circus is like playtime everyday.

With feathers and sequins.

Or having a second childhood without the midlife crisis part. 

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

First impressions can be life changing.

Part 1:

SiDana Cat was very much a one person cat for most of her life.

I was so lucky to be that one person.
Fruitcake.  So wanted love, I so wanted
to give him love, but he could only
tolerate twenty seconds of being
touched before he went Psycho Killer
on your hands.
My first Tuxedo cat - so handsome!


The first day I met SiDana Kitten, I was trawling the Animal Rescue shelters for my very own girl kitten to love.  I wanted a silver tabby, they are so pretty.

First stop the R.S.P.C.A..  No cute girly cats, but I did meet the living reincarnation of my psychotic recently departed cat, Fruitcake.  I assured myself that I wasn't here to simply "replace" Fruity, but I did sneak in for a cuddle.  He was such an affectionate Tuxedo boy, cuddly, soft... my heart melted.  Still I left, determined to get my first girl cat.  With three boy cats and anything from two to five men living in my house, I needed some estrogen!

The pretty Tuxedo boy stayed in my mind, though.  It was nice to get that sense of satisfaction of being finally able to cuddle "Fruity", even though it wasn't poor, demented Fruitcake I was making happy.

Next stop, Animal Aid Shelter.  Lots of Tiny Tabbies, but no silver tabbies. 

Still, being somewhat cat mad, I stayed a while to watch them.  One teeny tabby, with a pointy tail and huge ears, caught my attention.  Then she ran madly to the back of the cage and dived under her blanket.  I felt that she wasn't interested in me and nearly moved onto the next cage, when her itsy little head with those extraodinary ears popped out from under the front of the blanket, checking to see if I was still watching. 

Oh!  She was playing up to me. 

My heart went all gooey and I asked if I could cuddle her.

They handed me this little fuzzy girl, that was small enough to sit on my palm.  Only she jumped off immediately, again filling me with that sense of rejection and that I was deluding myself she was interested.  I stood up, intending to ask the ladies to help me catch her and return her to her cage.  As I did, tiny, spikey sharp claws sunk into my legs, climbed all the way up to my shoulders, stopped for a moment, bit my ear and then sat on my head.  With claws deeply sunk in for balance.

Oh yes.  THIS was my girl.
Such a wuss.  Wearing a hat to protect him from Dana Spikes. ;-)
And... ZOMG the cuteness!
As the Teeny Tabby grew, she deigned to descend as far as my shoulders.  Which stayed her favourite perch for the next 16 years.





Saturday, 25 May 2013

Spoilt

It has been 20 years since my Husband had a cat of his own, that he adored.

He is completely smitten with Pandora kitten.   It's really adorable to watch.

Last night, when I finally made it to our bed, I found his kitten curled up sleeping near him.  Awwww, he loves it when she does that.

On closer inspection, I found her curled up on the new, ridiculously soft mat that we bought her.  Awww, he is so indulgent with her.

I snuggled in.  It was SOOOO warm.

Trickey had also put the hot water bottle UNDER the kitten's mat, so his Tiny heat loving Tabby would be extra warm.

Spoilt. 

This is as it should be. 

Friday, 24 May 2013

Sick of me whining about my cats yet?

My cat.
My cat.
My cat, My cat, my cats.
Oh Dana cat, I want you back,
I miss you more than I feared.

Your screech when upon your paw I stood,
as you wound under my feet.
Your claws dug sharp for a balance grip,
when to my back you'd leap.

I miss your face, your trill, your you,
I miss you all the time.
I want you back, my Dana cat,
Tabby girl who was all mine.

It's like the light, once shiny bright,
is grey, is dull, is gone.
And where's my Charlie cat to comfort
me when I'm all forlorn?

My silly boy, whose vacant stare
could adore me to my toes,
as up he'd stand, leap to my arms,
and smooch with his wet nose.

This pair, my babies, my furry loves,
It sucks without you near.
I expect to see your faces as I return,
and still you both aren't here.

I'm supposed to be working through my loss,
and some days I feel I am.
Nothing feels quite right, quite good, quite fun, quite home, quite real.
I'm lost, confused, detached and

I can't have you back.  My cat. My cat.
My Cat. My Cat. My Cats.


So I have to get on with moving on. 

They were a pair, which I didn't realise until Charlie Cat died.  Isn't that bizarre?  They complemented each other so well, that together, they were the perfect cat.   
They were both mine.  So Mine.  They were adorable and wonderful and so much work and I loved them both and no other cat feels quite right when I pick them up. 
So, I've been keeping very busy, which has helped, I'm certainly not in a black depression.  However, I'm not functioning very well, my brain is so fuzzy and I probably need to go another step to getting myself back into the light. 

I have three wonderful new cats that deserve my love, a remarkable daughter, a delightful husband, an amazing community with Ruccis and The Cat Corner, and I probably need to go and stare at the sea for a while.  Reboot.  Reset. 
You know one good thing?  I didn't take those darlings for granted.  I knew exactly how wonderful my Tabby and my Tuxey were and enjoyed them and spoiled them. 

Awesome Cats.




Monday, 20 May 2013

An insomniac's company

The numbers on the dial say it's time to go to sleep,
Abandoned by the cats for the warmth under the sheets,
My brain is slowing down and my spelling needs redeeming,
Only one email to send before I'm free to join them dreaming.

Yet I set the kettle boiling, excuses I am making,
A licorice tea before rest to reduce my body's aching,
Dither round, the heat pack's found, to sooth shoulders sore,
If I put my mind to it, I'll think up something more.

Things to distract me from the dilemma of knowing I must retire,
My bed, so soft, so comfy warm, singing to me like a choir,
For several hours, my sleep will be a blessed, restful doze,
Until my dreams twist into terror, destroying my repose.

How many hours will I sleep, till my heart beats fast with fear,
From nightmares prancing in my head, with their nasty, horrid leer,
I dream in stereophonic colour, with taste, texture and with scent,
Reality mixes it's memories with these nightly horrors I lament.

I've learnt to wake, to separate, these moments a nightmare gives,
to ensure I know in future days these memories have not been lived,
To sleep too soon invites return, re-dreaming repeatedly,
Thus these books, old familiar tales, are an insomniac's company.

Sunday, 19 May 2013

Gardening.

Tired.
Tired from doing too much, tired from grief, tired of crying, tired of discovering that when you do fulfill someone's expectations of you, they simply increase those expectations.

However, one good thing has come from this (apart from all the good things that have been done lately!).

I learnt to say no and NOT FEEL GUILTY. 

Awesome sauce.

Time management, you will be a part of my life!

I am really looking forward to Tomorrow.  

Tomorrow, I am starting full on focus on this years RUCCIS Cabaret! 
Last night we had so much fun, playing with facepaints and photographs to create the look for the show and to get the advertising started.  With felines galore joining in to add to the fun.

Today...
I am going to finally plant SiDana cat's rose over her grave and let myself accept that she really is gone.   My heart has been holding on so tightly to her, my tension is so high and I must not do this to myself again. 

On a delightful note, Pandora found her Meow on Friday at the vet!  Unlike a friend's cat who found their meow this week, and then used it all day, "New toy, Mum, I'm going to play with it ALL THE TIME!!", we didn't hear it again.   Yesterday, she was all meh, recovering from her immunisation.  She didn't eat much.

Today, Lil Miss Pandora was a very hungry kitten.  She told me so!  In tiny little itsy meow's and wonders of wonders - a trill!  I so love a cat's trill!  I hope she will become more conversational as she matures.  I dreadfully miss my conversations with SiDana.  Now I have a Sara and a Pandora to share my thoughts with. 

Daisy Dora



Sunday, 5 May 2013

Esmerelda the Goddess of Grace

Shiny Hoops!
Last Sat night,
I
took a little (shiny!) bit of RUCCIS out to the community on Sat night, performing a "The Goddess Within - A Community Dance and Arts Event" 

There was a brilliant and painful explanation of the miseries that women suffered that lead to them seeking trauma therapy at The Art2 Therapy Project,  which I shall not share on this blog, due to my settings for this blog.  It was very eye opening for my daughter, to realise how some children are treated.

Her emotions were engaged and she was quite angry at the treatment they had to live with.  Princess has always known she is well treated, she just hadn't understood what "badly treated" meant.  For this alone, the night was well worth it.

And I got to create a whole new act!  With Shiny Hoops! 
 

Thursday, 2 May 2013

A new era

All my cats have passed on.  Including my Brother in law's cat that lived with us (as did he) for years.
Cats I have had since I was 21.  I am 41 now.  A whole era of my life, tied in with memories of those cats.

I am still crying, but I always knew it would be bad when My Dana and My Charlie left me.  I remind myself to breathe.  Great love causes great pain, but oh the love is wonderful.

Smug Bug and Charlie cat
One unexpected result of losing my beloved furbabies, one that I never would have thought of, has happened.

A freeing.
A release.
Old ideals, thoughts, reactions, beliefs... have been let go of.
Old hurts, especially those of losing my babies, are not wrapped as tightly around my heart.
As if I had been holding onto them to help hold on to my cats.  To keep them alive by maintaining the same environment in which they had been happy and healthy.

My hoarding is one.  I am finding it much easier to let go of Objects.
Anxieties that I had, especially those before pregnancy, fear of the public, fear of failure, fear of not being accepted, these had been whittled away by the wonderful social environment in RUCCIS.  The dropping away of these fears was very sudden after my SiDana cat left me.

I'm not sure if it is a release thing, or a "I don't care as much about anything right now because I miss Dana and Charlie" or what it is.

We went out to dinner with my BIL, for his birthday, and I gave him an album with pictures of his late Bilbo cat, that I had taken during the years Bilbo lived with us.  Looking through it, I could literally feel certain resentments, frustrations, emotions left over from our twenties, I could feel them dissapating into nothingness.  I had been holding onto them unnessecarily and now I was letting go.

There is a lightness in my heart.

Or, maybe I just miss my cats so much that everything else pales in comparison. 

So ridiculously pretty.  So fun.  So evil.  So loved me in an intense and demanding and adoring way, with reciprocated love from me.

Monday, 15 April 2013

Sarah 'Doogs' McDougall - Hula Showreel 2013

This woman is my inspiration!


Doogs is determined, strong, lives life so intensely and fully, loves chocolate and shares her enthusiasm with all around her.  When she broke her ankle, she worked harder on her handstands.  When she doesn't know any new tricks for the Lyra to teach in her Aerial (trapese, tissu, etc) class, Doogs found someone who did, learnt from them and came back to share with us.

Doogs is amazing.

And, wow, can she hula hoop!  Watch!



This lady has time for everyone.  When I was at my physical worst, I met Doogs during my chiropractic care.  Her energy and smile was uplifting and soon, I was asking her advice on health issues, trying the things she suggested (Freshly made vege juice is amazing stuff for your body!), soaking up her positivity and trying some of that in my own life.  Plus, she's just plain good fun.

Princess and I even asked her opinion on whether or not it would Ballet or trying out Karate that year, we simply couldn't decide.  Her response?  "Circus!  Princess would love the circus classes at RUCCIS."

Now, Sarah "Doogs" McDougall is a NICA qualified circus performer, excelling on single point trapeze, including the only chain based trapeze I have ever seen (and played on!) and an amazing Hooper! 

She performs with a travelling circus troupe called Almost Exactly Circus whom had us laughing so hard Princess's friend said her face hurt but she didn't want to stop laughing anyway.

With people like this in your life, fun will happen and attitudes improve!  Plus, being mesmerised by those Shiny Hoops!  And point your toes!

Saturday, 13 April 2013

Cat shaped hole in my soul

Busyness helps to distract.

Empathy for a friend who recently lost a loved friend helps me keep perspective.

Kitten cuddles and her Tabby purrs under the doona with me help.

The joy of watching Else Fluffington come out form her hidey hole and play a little with feathery toys helps.

Sara of the thick, lush fur smooches and trills help.

Happy daughter helps.

Knowing Hubby is feeling the same way and I am not alone in my grief helps.

It all helps.


I miss Charlie and SiDana cats so intrinsically that every moment I can feel the raw, aching edges of their loss in my life.

When I lost Cynthia (Pregnancy no. 5) it felt like there was a large round hole in my chest where my heart should be, with cauterised edges that caught on everything.  Burned out of my body.  Filling up with my tears.  Even now, while it has healed, the emotional scar of that aches around my heart.

Driving into the driveway last night, after a lovely night out with an old friend, I realised I didn't have to check the driveway for my Tabby Camoflague Cat before I drove in.  That also meant I wouldn't have my Furbaby conversation as I got out of the car, there would be no stories about her day in the sun, no listening to my tales with her delicate trill and responding.

For the last sixteen years, I have had a constant companion who talked with me, who listened, who loved me unconditionally, who always forgave me, who wanted to be with me.  Whom I could love and give time to and adore and listen to and be with.  Who needed me.  Whom I needed.

I feel so adrift.  So lost.  So broken. 

My head hurts.
My heart hurts.
My soul cries.

All I can do is accept it and move on.
Rejoice that she and Charlie cat were such amazing furbabies.

When the Diva is on your lap, you no longer have to do anything, your role is provide her a place to sleep.
The rest of the household with bring you tea, food, books, anything you need.
Prettiest nose ever.
If I had sucked up to her enough, Sidana would let me stroke one finger down her nose.  Once.  If I tried again, she would bite me.  Love her SO MUCH.

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

20 years on and I am still letting go.

Kittens are coming home today!
http://www.petrescue.com.au/listings/225771 Pandora (Satin)
http://statigr.am/p/331361293563052529_238412287 Elsie (Fluffington)
MINE!

So excited.  So worried about Elsie being happy here, she is a rehabilitated feral who loves cats but isn't that impressed by people.  I adore her, partly because she is astoundingly gorgeous and because deep in my soul, I want to make her happy.  Her way.  I am aware I may never get to pat her.  But if she will play with Pandora and Sara, sit happily in the sun on the windowsill and maybe, just maybe, learn how to meow (but who knows what caused her to lose her meow, damage or fear?) then I will be ecstatic.

Pandora is expected to fit right in and just start being adorable and cuddly and playing with both cats. :D

As a result, I am doing an intense clean of the house, focusing on our bedroom, which will be their safe place as they settle in. 

I am finding things! 

My long lost and since replaced working with children check!
The 60's metal hip belts that my aunt gave me.
The wind up bunny rabbit toy I got one easter as a kid.
My donkey Kong Junior "watch and play" from the early 80's.
The missing piece of fabric from the quilt I started years ago.  (Does this mean I have to finish it now?)
The snowflake obsidian polished egg that my first fionce gave me.

The egg.  The grey and black egg.

His presents always confused me. 
Why would someone give me something so dreary? 
But it was a polished stone, which I love. 
But black and grey when I was the queen of fluro? 
But the patterns were pretty? 
What was the thought behind it?

The necklace he gave me that he said reminded him of me. 
The chain was beautiful, so delicate and silver... but the heart pendant.  I hated it.  I tried to love it, I tried to see what in it's rounded, shape, with the light impression of tacky flowers could have in affinity with me. 

The scarf he gave me after one of our many fights about how he sees me as he wants me to be, how he desired to mold me, how he isn't open to accepting who I was.  I appreciated that he was trying.  It was a tie dye scarf, with a horrific burgundy and clashing chartruese green.  I was known for liking colours that clash.  I love green and purple.  It was silk.  Mmmmmmh, silk.

I still have that too.

It's been twenty years.   I need to let go.  I need to get his voice, his opinions, his criticisms, out of my head. 

Trickey commented on it the other day.  That my ex's opinion is of no importance to me, to us, anymore and I didn't need to worry about it. 

The egg goes today.  One more step towards letting go. 

I might go get the scarf and make it go, too.

My mind.  My thoughts.  My freedom.

Friday, 5 April 2013

L Plater

Sadness still pervades my soul.  Thankfully, all those years of counselling, living through loss and grief have helped me to learn that even in your sadness, take those moments of happiness in each day and revel in them.  The person or cat you have lost doesn't want you to be sad, sunk in misery and loss, denying the shininess that is available to you.

Never feel guilty for feeling happy while sad things in your life are happening.

Yesterday, I volunteered to watch The Cat Corner for an hour, so several cats who had found homes could be taken to the vet for desexing.  If I (or someone else) hadn't been available, then the store would simply have had to be closed for an hour, which is never good for a business or a charity.

So I popped in, revved up the vacuum cleaner and expected to spend the hour cleaning.

Two families came in looking for cats and kittens to adopt.

I copied what I had seen Kerri do, asking about their family, what they wanted in a cat and introduced them to the cats and kittens I thought most appropriate.

Fortunately, one of the ladies had been in earlier that week and when she asked to hold Cooper, she also asked for the hand sanitiser!  Which I hadn't even thought about!  I am such an L Plater at this. 

What made this day so special, other than the fun of talking to people who also love cats, and one family who had lost their cat the same day I lost my beloved, adored, precious SiDana, was that I got to be part of a family chosing their new furbaby to love.  This little fella now has a home and he is going to be worshipped by them, even as he destroys their curtains and jumps up on the dinner table to join in the evening meal.

Sure, he looks peaceful right now....

I felt that this must be the joy a midwife feels.  Not of creating your own new person to love, but assisting someone else to find their own new furperson to love.

It was good.

It was healing.

That kitten was really wriggly and ever so hard to get in and out of the cage.

GO forth and find many happy moments!  And tell me about them! 

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

I wasn't brave today

Through much of my life, I have been very brave.  So much scares me, social situations, spiders, death and usually I take what must be, cry about it and do it.

Not today.

My Tabby SiDana has been sneezing for a few days.
A friend suggested I clean up my neglected and dusty house, and it did seem to help.  She still was sniffly, but not as bad.

Isaac needed to go to the vet to get his camel hump installed.  (Technical term for subcutaneous fluid - helps with his kidney issues)

The vet looked and listened to my Tabby's heart and beathing and offered to put her to sleep.

He made it my choice.

I wasn't brave.

But I'll have to be brave in a few days.

Today, an hour before the vet's visit.
I knew.  Denial is a very powerful emotion.
SiDana just makes me so happy.
Edit: I got brave.  My lovely furball was obviously having troubles breathing and Hubby came home and we took her.  Before she was in to much pain.  We did good.  I miss her so much I'm having trouble breathing and I was already struggling in my recovery from losing Charlie. 

They were awesome cats.  Their lives brightened up my life and the memories of them will continue to shine warmly in my soul. 
SiDana was so perfect.  Exceedingly clingy, loving (to me), intelligent, interested in everything, so agile and just a pleasure to watch and be with.  Pair her up with my sunshiney cuddle, the Tuxedo Man who wanted to play and love and had the lushest fur, I was a very, very lucky Cat Mama.

Monday, 1 April 2013

The story of Pandora

I love ancient Greek, Roman and Celtic Mythology.

I love the temperamental Gods and Godesses, the mythological beasts of terror and amazement.

One of my favourite stories has long been about Pandora.  Much like "The Red Shoes", the story of giving into temptation and it's astoundingly tragic consequences That Could Not Be Fixed only ameliorated and managed is something I have struggled with in my own life.  The lesson I found so challenging.

The story of Iseult and Tristan had another lesson for me.  To let things run their own course.  That constantly trying to be in control only leads to tension, anxiety and constant brain agony as I think, think, think of what I can possibly do to fix this situation or make it follow the path I want it to.  Sometimes interference, no matter how well intended, causes a situation to follow an unexpectedly twisted path. 

One far more trivial aspect of reading these stories over and over as a child, was a love for names, a love for the history of names, a love that burned because my own name wasn't the one that fitted me.

I fixed that.

The interference of changing my name did cause much family angst, who apparently think my old name suited me quite well and they liked it.  Dad understood my feelings but gently pointed out that he will never remember to call me by my new name, which is okay.  Mum (who chose my name) keeps reminding me that I can change it back.  My Sister refuses to acknowledge that I committed this heinous crime.

Thus, I think very hard before I name a new family member.  My first very own cat, a fluffy Tabby boy was named Delius, after the composer and the Kate Bush song about him.  I felt the music sounded like paws padding gaily about the house.

Did you want to shut the door, Mum?  Well, I'm sunbathing and the sun is just right here in the doorway, so I'm not moving.

My next Kitten, a tiny Tabby girl, had the softest, silkiest fur I had ever felt.  Patting her is a luxery that fortunately, she enjoys too.  I was reading Katherine Kerr and Traci Harding at the time, and a Celtic/Welsh term for silk was Sidan.  Thus, Sidana was named.
OMG the cuteness!


The Man thing, he names cats Barry and Isaac and Charlie.  Is all good.

My Princess aptly named her kitten Sara, which means Princess.  I love the name Sara and love singing it out to our new Tortie girl as I try to convince her to come out from under the patio for cuddles.

So we always name our own cats.
Which created some confusion, when we decided to get Sara Kitten a Kitten!  Squeeeee!
See this gorgeous Sara Kitten picture below?  SiDana was sleeping on the other side of the azalea, Sara plotting her pounce.  I may be a total spoilt sport, cos Dana is MY baby girl-cat and she doesn't like being pounced upon, so I patted her, woke up Her Royal Deafness and alerted her to possible Tortie mischief.
Sara has gained the nickname Violet, not because she plays amongst them, but because her fur colouring reminds Trickey of a Violet Crumble (honeycomb and chocolate).

A few days later, Trickey and I sat in the backyward, watching Sara play Skittles, very effectively knocking over Isaac Cat, five times in a row.  I snuggled into He Who Rules The Family and played the "Insist card". 
"Trickey, I think Sara needs a friend and these two geriatrics might live for years more*.  Tomorrow, I am going to get her a friend."
He agreed.  Isaac is HIS cat, after all. ;-)

*Remember when Charlie was the healthy cat and I didn't expect Izie or Dana to survive the summer??

I did not get Lady Fluffington.  I was so tempted, I wanted to, I had earlier dragged Trickey into The Cat Corner and pointed out all her good points.  He thought she was very pretty.  He also thought she would be high maintenance.  Says the man who chose Isaac the almost intolerable cat.  He adored the Black and White Kittens and the two Tiny Tabby sisters.

This next furbaby had to be one for Sara Kitten.  Someone gently playful.  Also, this next furbaby had to be one that would love Trickey, since he has not had a cat that adored and cherished him since his beautiful Barry cat, 20 years ago.

My Beautiful Lady Fluffington stayed behind.

We shall rejoice and adore the Tiny Tabby girl that will join us soon!  Together, we started the name choosing process.  Daisy, Elsie, Cindy, Lucy.  Not one name that all agreed upon.  So, randomly we picked a letter and read out many choices.  Vittoria was nearly a go, but I didn't want the nickname Tory or Vitty.  Aurora was yet again rejected.  Artemis, Athena and Venus, not quite right.  Though Venus nearly made it due to our giggling about what it rhymes with.

I liked Iris, but that is one of the evil Step-Granmother's names, and I figured my Mum wouldn't like it.  Having said that, the other Step-Grandma of evil is called Dora.  I LOVE the name Dora.  I still don't associate it with She Who Causes Misery (cos I called her Grandma for so long).  I associate it with Isadora Duncan, Theadora from Georgette Heyer novels, Emphadora from a book I read as a child.  And Pandora.  I love the name Pandora.

Apparently, so do Trickey and My Princess!

Our Soon to be Tiny Pandora!

I am so excited I can barely breathe, but for some reason I am holding it all in.

But I want to Squeeeeeeeeeee!  over her adorableness somewhere so....
SOCUTESOCUTESOCUTE I LOVE HER ALREADY!!!

She's a bit cheeky too.

Sunday, 24 March 2013

Marital conversations after 20 years.

Conversation this morning.

Eccentricess: "Do you love me?"

Trickey: *said in a very definate tone* "Yes."

Eccentricess: *with a hug* "because I am very difficult."

Trickey: *with an indulgant laugh* "I know."

He then stole my chocolate and refused to let me kiss him cos he knew I wanted to steal it back.

Dear all that is shiny I love that man.


On a different note, Sara Kitten has lost three of her baby (super spikey sharp) teeth.  Awww, the baby s growing up.  And she's gonna be a big lady cat!  Boss chicky!

I just...

I just... introduced Hubby to LOLCats and Grumpy cat.  He did laugh.
         As a technique to encourage him to say "yes, you can have Lady Fluffington", it totally failed.

I just... volunteered to create a hoop act that "expresses the feminine" and am a little lost as to how to start. 
         Since I decided that a Girly Giney act with my red hoops was not the path that suits this venture.

I just... sent my daughter off to a teenage party that had BOYS at it.
         She told me that the girls dared the boys to hug each other for half an hour - and they did. 

I just... perfected a swinging trapese technique at Ruccis today.
         Then watched someone else learn it ever so quickly and take it so many steps further than I will EVER get it. 

I just... had new neighbours move in next door.
         So many people today, I don't know which one's are the neighbours -nervous and excited!

I just... realised that it will be Midnight in a minute!
         OR NOW!  Goodnight!

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Wanna see me be Esmerelda Hoopla?

Knox Fest was FUN!  Do you wanna see?  Do you wanna see me do my very own solo Circus act? 

Saturday was a mad, full on day, of never stoppingness, arriving a little late after deciding I couldn't face the day with no shade, so I ducked into Bunnings to buy a very cheap shade gazebo, which turned out to be the only shade RUCCIS had to sit in throughout two very hot and sunny days.  That's not quite true, now I think about it, the tiny contortionists managed to get quite comfortable in the shade underneath the display table.

Pretty!  I so love our circus logo critters!
My first job was setting up the promotional table with my lovely new class flyers, which I have to show you!

So much learning about photoshop, just figuring out the little bits and pieces I needed to make these pretties.  It's been a lovely adventure.

See my friends!  Aren't they awesomeness!
I love our new logo, with it's juggling critter standing so gleefully as the letter "i"!

I adore that these exciting pictures are mostly of my friends.

So much fun, getting to play with happy, bright colours for hours on end.

I cherish that I can be involved and be part of this very physical community and never take for granted my ever increasing ability to move and be active.

I greatly appreciate the chance to wear a lot of sequins.
He he heee.

Back to the festival!

The Stilters were off to roam the festival, in their gorgeous and varied costumes, bright and happy and in some cases, taller than the marquees.

There were circus workshops for the festival attendees, warm up, stretches and costume time for us.  M and I were the very first act, redoing a happy and bright version of our Red Shoes act.

I didn't get any stage fright at all. 

Not like previous years.

Not that unholy terror that left me reminding my self to breathe and controlling my wayward limbs that just wanted to leap up and run far, far away from the audience.  Yes, you, audience you are SCARY!  Cos... Cos... you WATCH me!

Nope, I was too busy.  I was pretty confident that M and I knew our act.  And that we would cover any mistakes with a smile.

There was no fear in me at all on Saturday!

Sunday was not as good a day, as I do not take being out in the sun well and I'm not really good at having two big days in a row, either.  I like to go all out and get through the big one day, and then crash the next day, taking care of my back, my skin, my exhaustion, my tension.

There was a tiny headache...

So much water was drunk...

So much sunshine was absorbed...

I still consider it a total success, even with the debilitating headache that whooshed up from my feet and left me curled up on my suitcase in the change room, white faced and whimpering. *

Cos it didn't happen until AFTER my last performance!!! 

*My lovely friends took wonderful care of me, with our lovely admin person finally deciding to dump a bottle of water over my head.  Worked wonders.

Sooo, do you wanna see?  Cos I wanna show you! Drum roll please....

Here is, Esmerelda Hoopla performing with her rainbow sheeny hoops of shininess to the happy tones of Lesley Gore singing "Sunshine and Lollipops"


The choreography in this act is copyright to Esmerelda.  Cos I made it up all on my own.

To choreograph something was something I've wanted to achieve right from the very first act I did with RUCCIS, which was nothing to look at until the Amazing Doogs choreographed it into funniness and delight.  There was a need in me to prove that I could do that. 
So, yeah, I feel better now. *cheeky grin*

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

If I'm not a Mummy blogger, what am I? I am a...

I am considering changing my blog's name....


My Princess would prefer not to be blogged about anymore (teenager!) I am no longer even vaguely a mummy blogger.

I cannot consider this a cooking, diet, political or art blog.

Oh!  I know!  "Eccentricess' Amazing Circus Blog!" *Now with added cats!*

Sounds about right. :-)


"Eccentricess' Amazing Circus Blog!"

The journey of a suburban housewife as she discovers community circus, confidence and new ways to sparkle.  

Follow her thrilling adventures as she learns to:

- stand up in front of a crowd (and not run away) 
- experiment with sewing Lycra instead of organza
- and then the even BIGGER experiment, of wearing it in public (and not running away) 
- while managing her household (without running away) 
- working hard on keeping her marriage fun (no issues about running away here) 
- plus raising an adorable daughter who just doesn't fit in to the mainstream educational system (run away together to the beach!).

Rejoice with her as she discovers that the circus community is full of weird and wonderful people just like her, delight in her joy as the sharing and caring circus community helps to find ways to build up her daughter's confidence and understand how this adorable child will learn, share her agonies as she realises costume making is so very different from bridal sewing and struggles to get costumes finished on time.  And have the costumes stay in one piece.  *ahem*


A few posts ago, I mentioned that there may be photos of me from the latest circus production.  I had thought there would be a nice image or two of circusy goodness to share, thanks to the talents of our lovely photographer David Wyatt (waves hello!) who can take pictures of fast moving, sparkly performers in low light conditions and somehow come out with images that make our souls smile.

When he sent me this image, it made my soul soar with such joy.  SO many reasons!


Swinging from the Moon
*Emotion WOWOWOWOW*
I'm swinging from the Moon.

The MOON!
I WANT to swing from the Moon!
That looks like way fun!
Without the vacuum of space sucking my insides out and all those things that icky special effects show you in space movies.
No, I want to swing from the Moon in the mystical fairy dancing under the moonlight and dresses spun with spider silk way!

*Emotion AWESOME*
I'm hanging from a trapese! 
I love that I get to do this!

*Emotion DELIGHT*
Fairytale Esse!

*Emotion "I GOT PICKED"* *Pffft to High School Sports class*
Wow, David chose an image of ME to edit onto the moon.  WOW.  I feel honoured and photogenic and really glad I put all that effort into making pretty costume!

*Emotion HAPPY SEAMTRESS*
The three weeks of searching to find just the right Gold Lame was proved worthwhile in this one photo!

Is all good.
The world has Glitter and Sparkle and some of that is me.
Oh Yeah.

And I get to do this act again this weekend.  Yey for Knox Fest and my un-pictured but completely amazing Single point trapeze partner, J. :-)
 



Monday, 25 February 2013

Workin' IN MY JAMMIES, oh yeah!

Today, my work requires me to sit in front of my computer.  At home!

Workin' IN MY JAMMIES!

It's so hot today.  Aussie Summer is a torture device.

Cold showerin' IN MY JAMMIES!

And standing in front of a fan.

Coolin' off IN MY JAMMIES!

I have been making lots of work phone calls.  From Home!

Using my "Workin' the Phone" voice IN MY JAMMIES!

I so love this. ;-)



Today, Princess has stayed home from school, due to a sniffle.

I set out things she needed to do, which includes naps, cuddling kittens and homework.

She's been moving through the list beautifully and I popped in to remind her that what was left was to complete her science homework (artistic daughter doesn't find this thrilling) and to have a nice, cool salt bath.
The temperature is about 5 degrees Celcius past what England considers a heat wave. (i.e.27 Cº in UK, 32 Cº right here) and she chose to do her homework.

A bath is the closest thing you can get to a swimming pool in your own home (unless you have a swimming pool).  No comprendo mi Princesa! 

So now...

Gunna have a cool, salt bath!

IN MY JAMMIES!!

:Edit:  Just got a call and we are goin' out for Mexican tonight.  Nomming goodness.

Dinin' out IN MY... well a nice pair of capri's and a chiffon top!

Thursday, 21 February 2013

Emtionally traumatic childhood moments.

The day my Dad, trying to be cool, picked me up from Primary school on his awesome motorbike.  VF750 of hotness.
Wearing his full leather gear.  Silver leather.  Silver leather jumpsuit.  It was the 80's. 
To top it off... I had to leave my bike at school and walk back later, lift it over the fence and ride it home anyway.

Sitting in class, about Year 10, hearing everyone sniggering behind me, knowing it would have been something to do with my group.  Feeling the oddest feeling on my leg and smelling... Oh the horror of smelling burnt leg hair, looking down and seeing Chris wriggling, commando style on the floor, back to his seat with a cigarette lighter.  I objected to shaving.  Apparently Chris objected to feminine leg hair.

Walking into my Debutante Ball, hair curled, wearing professionally applied makeup and having no one recognise me.  To the point where I hovered around the group my partner was with and listened to them wonder what it would be like to see me in a dress.  Even my partner/boyfriend didn't realise it was me for a while.  Possibly should have taken a bit more care of my personal presentation prior to year 11. (or 12...can't remember which year my Deb was)

Lending my cat costume that my Mama had so lovingly made for me, to a friend, who never returned it.  Marmie was upset and requested that I ask for it back, which I screwed up all my courage to do.  It was never returned.  I still feel bad about that.  I should have been stronger and gone over and taken it back.

Now I feel sad and icky.  Time to cuddle a Sara kitten!   (SiDana is not speaking to me after the vet's visit today...) (But at least she came home from it!)






Friday, 15 February 2013

What was I thinking?

OMG OMG OMG I'm going camping.

And they only have a drop toilet there.

What was I thinking?


It will be fun.
It will be fun.
It will be fun.

I will cope.
I will cope.
I will not hold on the whole night and wait till I get home the next day because that will mean an ambulance drive when my bladder explodes.

The toilets in the hospitals are usually very nice.

Things I have.

I have a Tortishell kitten lounging in the sunshine of her favourite window sill, the one where she can watch all the birds and wish she was allowed outside.

I have a Tabby Geriatri-cat lounging outside in the sunshine, right in view of said kitten.  Have I mentioned that (as much as I love her and she loves me) Sidana is Not a Nice Cat.




I have an unfinished costume, waiting for me, for auditions for Knox Festival.  Tomorrow.

I have a coke chilling in the freezer.

I have a Hubby who is gorgeous, capable of fixing anything I ask him nicely enough to fix who does romance in his own style.  Did I mention he built me a Tinkerbell Green FB Holden, because I asked him too?  Seriously, he doesn't need to buy me flowers ever again!


I have a Marmie who calls me to talk to me about anything and everything.  Including finances and taxes and the local Government and infrastructure.  I distract her by asking about her puppy (he's 12 but we are all in denial that he's grown up).

I have retro mint green venetian blinds.  All my childhood, I dreamed of a house with venetian blinds.  At Grandad's they were white wth tiny silver stars on them.  Something about them just made me so happy and now these soft green ones I have make me happy. 

I have the ability to construct complete sentences without hanging and waiting, trying to remember the words.  I love this.  I missed this.

I have Circus in my life!  Fun, exercise, delight, sparkle, amazing people and spinning!  So much spinning.

So many dreams I had in my childhood have been fulfilled. 
So many have been torn to pieces and scattered to the wind, chased with raindrops of salty tears. 

So I let them go, let them fly free, forgive myself for not fulfilling them and move on to the ones I can, the Things I have.

I have a lot.

I also have hands covered in kitten scratches.  And bites.  Bitey, bite, bite, bite.  Love having a baby cat in the house again!




Thursday, 14 February 2013

Valentine's Day

Happy over commercialised romantic celebratory day!

May you not be single on this day so that you aren't made to feel a social pariah in the eyes of society!

May your mate bring your excessive amounts of <insert tacky red/white gift here> so that your neighbours and workmates know how much you are loved.

Having said all of that, on our first Valentine's Day, Trickey inserted a notice in the Herald Sun's "Valentine" section, asking me to be his. 

My sister and I used to have so much fun, reading through these Valentines each year, pretending that anyone we knew whose names matched those in the newspaper, were now dating, no matter how unlikely or surprising the "couple" might be.  Laughing in delight the year we found one that matched our parents names (which are unusual enough to be a hard to find combination). 

So that year, I laughed even harder, with a bit of a squishy happy heart, I do admit it, when I found one that didn't just have Trickey and my names in it... but was US!  Him's did good.

Good enough that in 1997, when my little Tuxedo Psychotic Kitty of Wait Around The Corner So I Can Jump Out And Savage Your Legs With My Very Sharp Claws (actually, we called him Fruitcake, but only because this descriptive name grew and became too long for everyday use) passed on on February 14th, we declared that from now on we would not celebrate Valentine's Day.  For us, it would forever be "Fruitcake's Remembrance Day". 






I know, I know, he looks exactly like Charlie cat, except for the evil eyes and the one black eyebrow whisker.   Plus, Charlie was a darling and Fruitcake... well, let's just say that even 6 years of us trying to rehabilitate this damaged soul was pretty much completely unsucessful.  Vicious cat.  Good hunter.  Sometimes you could look into his eyes and see his soul, crying out for love, longing for pats.  Which I always gave... then, after about 20 seconds, the madness would return and if you hadn't moved your hand (or face) out of range, you would be going for the antiseptic.


Our cats worry about anniversaries and special days.
Charlie passed away on my Sister's birthday.  Tayo Cat passed away on my Niece's birthday.  My Mum's beloved Maltese Terrier passed away on Trickey's birthday.  Fruitcake on Valentine's Day. 

So, I'm guessing Sidana and Isaac cat are safe until at least Easter.


Sunday, 3 February 2013

Would you believe...

Reading through some of my favourite blogs this morning, one title really caught my attention.

A whole day's blog, dedicated to just his opinion!  Loved the concept.

So, Today is "An Eccentric's Opinion Sunday".

I have LOTS of opinions.  I usually don't share them because:
-I am lazy and can't be bothered arguing/discussing them.
-They are only half formulated and prone to change.
-They are offensive to someone, somewhere.

Agent 99 is shocked and startled by what she just heard

Here's one.

If people can't spell or use grammer properly, it really irritates me, but it doesn't mean they are bad or stupid, it means they have not been adequately educated in a way that caught their interest.  Which may have nothing to do with their teachers, but everything to do with their personal fascinations.  Mine was books.  My daughter's is drawing, my Husband's is mechanics and they are both very eloquent in expressing themselves in these media.

Right from the first day I met my husband, his grammer drove me up the wall.  His handwriting was atrocious while I took calligraphy classes.  He read maybe one book a year.  This was a shock to us both, as after the first two "honeymoon" months, where I didn't read a thing, just was with my man-thing, he suddenly discovered, upon the release of a new title in a fantasy series I loved, that I could spend entire days sitting still with my nose sniffing at the vanilla scent of a novel.

99 knew how to do her research
Hubby is one of the most intelligent people I know, he just had an interesting upbringing.  So I would constantly ignore his grammer and resist even the temptation to correct him as that could end up feeling like I was putting him down.

Then, one day, just like in a fairytale, he volunteered to be the editor of a newsletter.  Which he asked me to help him with.  To help him edit what he wrote.  Together, we worked at correcting the grammer, improving the spelling, not using the same descriptive term twice in on sentence.  It was him asking to be educated, no negativity, not me pushing something upon him.

The old insert a circus picture even if it doesn't fit the theme trick.


It was lovely.  After three years, his grammer is almost delicious, his spelling a delight, he even voluntarily has his dictionary on his iPhone set to teach him a new word each day.  His handwriting is still almost unreadable.  It is bliss.

99's blissful fantasy

I still value niceness, goodness and kindness over education.  I strongly believe we need extensive education, in schools, by people travelling, through people experiencing as many different things as possible, but without niceness, all it does is set a very clever Chaos Agent running loose in the world.


Explore the world!
As Maxwell Smart would say, "If only they''d used their education for niceness instead of evil!"

"Ve don't do dududududu here at Kaos, Schtarker"


Sunday, 27 January 2013

Ringworm on kittens - less fatal than the treatment AKA "my geriatricats are NOT IMPRESSED with their new sleeping quarters"

So the Sara kitten, who is adorable and so affectionate and amazingly well behaved, is still sick.

She's not terribly unwell, she sleeps a lot and is generally happy.

And now she has come down with ringworm.  Which means that her vaccinations will be put off AGAIN.  Which means that we still cannot let her outside!  And there is nothing she wants more than to get past that door and play in the sunshine!

but.. But.. BUT... I'm cute and cuddly and you want to give me everything I want, like letting me outside to play with butterflies and skinks!
So, Ringworm, hey.  Grose, but in humans it just means putting some anti-fungal cream like Daktarin on the rash and watching it fade away. 

Cat fur makes this difficult. :-o  Plus, she might clean it off and it's not safe for kitten tummies.  Plus, we now have to wash every thing she has touch, bleach the floors and we are supposed to isolate a 3 month old kitten and not cuddle her.  A very affectionate, well socialised kitten.  *sighs*  So, those grown up cats just became outdoor cats, with nice little beds in hubby's shed.  I am not popular with the Tabby or the Burmese.

The vet explained that she also needs to take the medication, Griseofulvin, for six weeks, to clear it up properly.  Side effects of Griseofulvin are nausea, vomiting... (skip the tolerable ones)... permanent liver damage, neurological damage and death.

Ummm....



No.

So Very No.

So Dr. Eccentricess and Dr. Google put their heads together and researched all the other possibilities.
The safest I have found is... oh yes, this is going to be fun!  Salt baths!  Epsom salt or Sea salt baths!
 
Fun!  For Whom?

Yes!  I can do this and totally pretend not to enjoy myself and not get thousands of soggy kitten pictures and maybe even one or two soggy geriatric spitting/hissing monster pictures (for their own health, of course)
YOU let her do this and just took pictures!  Betrayal!
The heater warmed towel is earning forgiveness.

 Definition of 'Kitten' - Small, soft bundle full of spikes.



Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Kittens: stress relief and creators

My Tabby Diva sits next to the computer while a tiny Tortishell girl cat sits on the chair, her adorable eyes peeking over the top of the table to watch the Tabby Diva.  So many attempts to socialise with the Tabby, all rebuffed with a paw whack or grumpy ol' lady growls.  This is going much better than I expected!

The running joke used to be that I wasn't allowed a kitten, because Sidana Tabby cat would eat it.  Out of jealousy, grumpiness and possibly a little because she was such an excellent hunter.

She's too old now.  Even the pigeons are returning to our yard.  I noticed that in October. 

So tiny Kitten is safe from being Tabby noms! *cheeky grin*

Sara of Softness not edibleness
Last night was horrid, as we had to introduce our Sara Torti to our lovely vet, Dr. Geoff, who was very taken with her sweet personality, excellent cat suspension system and how pretty she was.  There was as much time spent checking her out as cuddling and patting her - best vet ever!

He pronounced her sick with the Herpes virus.  This struck fear into my heart, as this was a kitten killer when I was a kid.

However, he explained about the vaccination that was invented in 1980, even though she's only had her first vaccination it all helps reduce the severity of the disease, that she had a mild dose and her tear ducts were still working. 

That was cool by the way, he put these drops in Sara's eyes and then shone a black light on her and her eye, nose and mouth glowed!  That showed that her tear duct was still open. *happy Kitten Granny*

So, last night's sleep was the tense sleep of someone living with the fear of more heartbreak.  When I am tense, I push my tounge against my front teeth.  They are so "buck" this morning.  Might be time to get a mouthguard if I cannot learn to relax.

What do you do when you are tense?  Can you sleep?  Do you toss and turn, talk in your sleep or wake up to find that you have dug your nails into you palm all night? 


Friday, 4 January 2013

Anti-depressant

Still not coping about my Charlie cat dying.

Pretty boy.  He was so gorgeous and sleek and elegant.  And silly.
Sidana and Isaac both have failing kidneys and I said to Trickey, back in November, I am expecting to lose one or both this summer.  It's summer now.

Sidana, sleeping under the roses on the day we buried
Charlie Cat.  Lovely Old Lady Cat.

 Sidana is being assist fed and Isaac is eating less and less.  Sidana still gives the purriest smooches and can balance on my shoulder while I do housework... but only for a while and then she wants out to go to sleep again.  Camoflague Tabby has taken to sleeping where Charlie always slept, where we buried him. 

Can you see her?




As well as fighting off the depression from losing my Charlie cuddle, living with the anticipation of losing my Dana cat was really worrying me.  It felt like there was only a year of tears ahead of me and I was doing everything I knew to stave off depression.  Going out at least once a day, exercise, watching happy movies, focusing on remembering the happy moments with Charlie and getting Sidana cuddles (and Princess cuddles).

My desperately needing something to look forward to, just some extra happiness and delight in my year was the final touch needed to get Trickey to agree to something the Princess and I had been begging for, so without further ado, introducing...


Sara, (said like Zara but with an S) the Tortishell Kitten.  Share a few words, Sara!

 t7uu-= cv77777 -=9009
'),,,,
Hg==============

The Princess is a very happy child, having waited 13 years to get her very own kitten.  

I have a Grand-cat!  Finally, I get to be Granny Esme
Plus, Sara is our first Tortishell.  Are they all this sweet?
  

Sara is delightful, affectionate, bouncy, well behaved and so wants to be friends with Mr. Anti-social Burmese and Miss Dominating Queen Tabby.
Sara will have to make do with adoring humans.
So very cute all fluffed up upon first meeting Sidana!



Thus starts the cycle again.  
And yes, the pain at the end is worth the delight and fun of giving a cat a happy home for 10-20 years.  
It just hurts now.
A lot.

I'll go and cuddle my evil, Dominatrix, shoulder sitting, huntress of a Dana Cat.