|Do I really look 16 years old?|
Somedays I think I am a fairly self sufficient person. That I don't rely on others to keep me happy, to keep me going. That I have grown past who I was and can now give to others.
Then something bad happens and I realise just how intensely reliant and co-dependant I truly am.
I rely on my husband so much. He creates the basic stability of my life, the rock solid ground i walk on. When he has taken that away, I felt like I was walking on Jelly, sinking, unbalanced and suffocated. He gives me comfort. If I remember to ask, in highly specific terms, for comfort.
I rely on my daughter. Mostly, I rely on her existance. If she is alive, then my world can still turn. She also provides awesome cuddles and sadly enough, knows how to deal with a Mama in tears.
I rely on my friends. Some to be there to listen to my problems, though I try really hard to make sure they only hear about them once, or when there is an update. Some to provide help.
It's when these supports are taken away that you really notice them. Even the one's I wasn't taking for granted.
Knowing that my cousin and his now deceased wife had escaped all the pressures around them to start their life the way they wanted... that had been a little "something going right in the world" that I thought of with a smile. Something solid. Something to rely on, not in any draining way, just to know they were there, being them, being happy.
I miss that. I miss Jodie.
Being able to visit my best friend each week, have happy joyous times with our kids, even if we rarely finished a sentence due to child rearing activities. Solid. Grounding. Strength.
People who move 8 hours away, even if it is for a really good reason, make weekly visits really challenging.
They'll come back. Alternately, their children will move in with us when it is time for them to go to Uni.
But losing a cat. I had no idea that Charlie cat was so much more than a sheer delight for me.
I knew I loved it when I heard his paw treads coming into the bedroom, and would plan how to get his soft and cuddly little self well hidden under the doona before an intensely jealous and somewhat evil Dominating Girl cat noticed him and began his eviction.
I knew that his bounding around the garden, with that special bouncing high into the air run Charlie had, always brought me joy. It was a memory to take out and use whenever "stinkin' thinkin'" threatened to make my thoughts negative.
I knew that hearing his absurdly high pitched meow and finding my black and white Tuxedo boy sitting in the empty baath, calling for me to turn on the tap... just a little, enough to provide him a drink, but not enough to get him wet and startle him into forgetting that he was thristy, was so adorable and always led to giggles and wet paw cuddles.
|Charlie, in the bath, waiting patiently for Mama to stop taking pretty pictures and turn on the tap.|
I knew seeing him waking,from a well deserved sleep under the rose bush, giving his so smooth head a pat as he told me about his day was a lovely way to come home.
I knew that he was a good cat and we were lucky to have him in our lives.
It is just that I didn't know how much I relied on his solid little self as an emotional support. Charlie's lovely little cat body was so nice to cuddle, so substantial, so comforting. His friendliness, his acceptance, his unconditional love and so importantly, that I could love him unconditionally back.
His wet nose smooches that sometimes went all the way from the tip of my nose to an ear... and sometimes to an eye - ick! They said, "I love you (feed me) and you love me."
SiDana is much more challenging. She loves me, but I have to earn her smooches.
Isaac has recently begun to allow me cuddles.
But Charlie, whenever I wanted a cuddle or to give him a cuddle, he would accept it. At least for a little while. It was a priviledge. It was very good for my soul.
There are no new comfort memories to be made with Charlie Cat...
I now have a sun warmed cat smell memory, a soft fur touch memory, a sound of purring memory that are all linked to receiving comfort. These need to be strengthened, recalled often.