Eden left two little words at the end of her latest Fresh Horses Brigade post.
Five letters each.
And they make me scared.
I don't want to face all those things again.
Oppression, repression, suppression!
This is the life motto I exist by. Feel an inappropriate emotion? Stomp on it and make it stay down. Start thinking about those I miss? Squish it back into the cupboards in my mind and go on merrily. Perhaps I want to say something, words that are not of the common opinion, are against another's ideals and beliefs, maybe I want to express an idea that is strong inside me but will cause people to yell and question and dig deeper into my beliefs, to challenge them, to require me to defend them. To make me have to think when just getting through the day takes all my brain power. I tell that feeling to just go and have a nap somewhere nice for a few years, come back when I am feeling stronger.
Don't wanna face it all.
Eden, you are sooo strong.
I am sorry I am lazy. I am sorry I don't control my diet well enough to be at peak fitness.
I am sorry I don't believe in God and sorry you worry that I will go to hell. Sorry that I didn't give you life, babies 1 through 3, babies 5 through 9. Sorry that I never made you a sibling, Princess.
Sorry I didn't give you the huge family you needed and I wanted. Sorry I am no good at having people visit at our home. Sorry I'm not the strong and energetic career woman you were expecting.
I am sorry that I didn't agree to babysit your three very enthusiastic boys so you could go to the wake, sorry I was so scared of the responsibility, sorry I didn't tell you that and try. Sorry that I was too scared to visit you in hospital until right before you died. Sorry when I'm not understanding what you need when you visit and I sit there vaguely, hoping I'll be able to pick up why you are there, what you want from me, sorry when I don't figure it out until the next day. Sorry I can't tell you how much I love you.
Sorry. Sorry for every time I've yelled at you when it's just been because I was tired or in pain or mad at myself. Sorry for not understanding sometimes you need to be sad that your Mum died, sorry I always tried to cheer you up. Sorry I hate some of your friends. Sorry I didn't stand up for what I wanted, so many times.
Sorry I drive badly. Sorry for being such a wuss.
Sorry I took the course at Uni that I did. Sorry I never got a real job. Sorry I hate camping.
Sorry I didn't pull you out of that class when you were being bullied. Sorry I didn't stand up for you and your band when the other girls showered me with attention to use me as a weapon against you. Sorry I left you with the mess.
Not everything is there. But. Enough.
If you want to join in, or read other's "Sorrys", click over to Edenland and see who has linked up.