Friday, 24 February 2012

TMI? (Fresh horses brigade linky)

Eden left two little words at the end of her latest Fresh Horses Brigade post.


Edenland's Fresh Horses Brigade


Five letters each.

And they make me scared.

"Sorry? Spill"

I don't want to face all those things again. 

Oppression, repression, suppression!

This is the life motto I exist by.  Feel an inappropriate emotion?  Stomp on it and make it stay down.  Start thinking about those I miss?  Squish it back into the cupboards in my mind and go on merrily.  Perhaps I want to say something, words that are not of the common opinion, are against another's ideals and beliefs, maybe I want to express an idea that is strong inside me but will cause people to yell and question and dig deeper into my beliefs, to challenge them, to require me to defend them.  To make me have to think when just getting through the day takes all my brain power.  I tell that feeling to just go and have a nap somewhere nice for a few years, come back when I am feeling stronger.

Don't wanna face it all.

Eden, you are sooo strong.


I am sorry I am lazy.  I am sorry I don't control my diet well enough to be at peak fitness.
I am sorry I don't believe in God and sorry you worry that I will go to hell. Sorry that I didn't give you life, babies 1 through 3, babies 5 through 9.  Sorry that I never made you a sibling, Princess.

Sorry I didn't give you the huge family you needed and I wanted.  Sorry I am no good at having people visit at our home.  Sorry I'm not the strong and energetic career woman you were expecting.

I am sorry that I didn't agree to babysit your three very enthusiastic boys so you could go to the wake, sorry I was so scared of the responsibility, sorry I didn't tell you that and try.   Sorry that I was too scared to visit you in hospital until right before you died.    Sorry when I'm not understanding what you need when you visit and I sit there vaguely, hoping I'll be able to pick up why you are there, what you want from me, sorry when I don't figure it out until the next day.  Sorry I can't tell you how much I love you. 

Sorry.  Sorry for every time I've yelled at you when it's just been because I was tired or in pain or mad at myself.  Sorry for not understanding sometimes you need to be sad that your Mum died, sorry I always tried to cheer you up.  Sorry I hate some of your friends.  Sorry I didn't stand up for what I wanted, so many times.

Sorry I drive badly.  Sorry for being such a wuss.

Sorry I took the course at Uni that I did.  Sorry I never got a real job.  Sorry I hate camping.

Sorry I didn't pull you out of that class when you were being bullied.  Sorry I didn't stand up for you and your band when the other girls showered me with attention to use me as a weapon against you.  Sorry I left you with the mess.

That'll do.  

Not everything is there.  But.  Enough.



If you want to join in, or read other's "Sorrys", click over to Edenland and see who has linked up.


32 comments:

  1. oh this makes me want to hug you, your pain is so tangible. I hope that you are finding your way x

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    1. Thanks Lyndal, things are always getting better. :-)

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  2. I'm sorry you have all that on your plate. X

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    1. Thank Toni.
      *giggles* When I read this, I imagined all those sorrys on a plate, started spinning the plate on a stick, so fast and watched the sorrys spin off in all directions.

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  3. That is such a raw post - thank you for sharing !
    Love, hugs and positive energy.
    Me

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    1. Thanks and yey for positive energy. :-)

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  4. This is seriously beautiful.

    Thank you so much, for writing it, just wow hon. I'm kind of blown away, felt like crying and laughing at the same time.

    We all have the Sorries. You are not Robinson Crusoe.

    XX

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    1. I am so loving your Fresh Horses Brigade, Eden. It's cathartic and challenging and a form of therapy.

      And thanks, you've pinpointed one of the reasons I adore you - you let me know I am not alone!

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  5. There was so much there- and you got it out so quickly- which leads me to believe no matter how far you push it down, it's never really far from the surface. I hope this post has made you lighter- at The very least for right now x

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    1. Oooh, interesting observations, thank you.

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  6. We are so hard on ourselves, aren't we? I read my own list and just cringe. Yet I read your list and want to say it's OK, we all do the best we can in the given moment. Maybe a thousand moments later we could do better. But in THAT moment, that's what we had to give.

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    1. Yes! You say it so well, I do that, forgive the others and not myself.
      I wish we could learn faster, not have to go through these experiences so many times before things click in our heads.
      Thank you, for "THAT moment, that's what we had to give." Such healing words.

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  7. Thank you for writing all of this. It's absolutely beautiful.

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  8. This is such a beautiful and raw post. Thank you for sharing it.

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  9. I know exactly where you are coming from. Tears are rolling down my cheeks because for every 'sorry' you have written is pages of unwritten hurt behind each one. The fact that you are sorry means you are a lovely woman with a huge conscience. Love to you.

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    1. I can't tell you how often I have read your reply over the last two days and re-read my post and thought more deeply about the unwritten parts. It hasn't been easy, but thank you for saying that and thank you for the next sentence, it has helped me cope.
      Thank you. You have helped. *hugs*

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  10. Sorry you feel this way. Life's hard, isn't it?

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    1. *sighs* Yes, and I know that you know that too.

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  11. Wow...so powerful...the rest will come out when your ready....writng is such a cleansing tool xx

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  12. I love the Fresh Horses Brigade, and your post was beautiful in its honesty. I love that the blogs I visit often have nothing in common with mine on the face of it, but that underneath we are all the same, struggling, laughing, crying...just living x

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  13. *hugs*
    I'm sorry you are sorry xxx

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  14. I pretty much want to echo every other person who has left a comment here. Thank you for sharing such a powerful and honest post. x

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  15. Wow. I feel your pain, but I sense your strength. The biggest strength was writing this all down. I truly hope you find healing and peace. Sending you lots of comfort. x

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  16. I feel like anything I say would just be a compilation of everything above, so I'll just say, I understand.

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  17. In reading your post, I think you are the most amazing person...I am looking forward to reading much more of your wonderful writing and learning much more abut you!

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  18. Such a beautifully honest and brave post x

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  19. Thank you for sharing. It's nice to know that we are not alone as women, as moms in our sorries. I hope that you can let go of at least some of these and recognize what a strong person you are for living them and moving on.

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  20. So many similarities... so much pain... but such extraordinary beauty that has broken free from the chains of guilt, sadness and "what if?". Thank you so much for sharing such honesty and fragility with us all!

    "Enough".... Perfect! Much love to you on your journey, Friend. XO

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  21. I havent had the guts to write my own "sorry" post.... for the very reasons that you posted. Suppress, repress, block. Dont go there. Too much for me to face. Congratulations on being about to face your own set of sorrys.

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    1. Don't go there. Those are words that keep things going when it's all to scary. Maybe one day, but just keep going for now and that's good.
      Thanks, it's been quite a tearful weekend because of this post, but the "trauma recovery group" I go to said they think that I am getting stronger and able to face somethings now without breaking.
      I don't cry over happy puppies, anymore, for example.
      Just not all.
      So Eden's meme has been really challenging but overall had a positive outcome.

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