Saturday, 11 February 2012

The Last Party (Fresh Horses Brigade Linky)

Edenland has gone from a look at how our personalities are expressed through our handwriting last week, with the Fresh Horses Brigade, straight into one of the biggest issues humans have with life.  That it ends. 


And, how do you want people to celebrate yours?



So, I'll take a deep breath, bring on the Fresh Horses to help me dredge some energy up after a week of pain and talk about...

Death.

Death doesn't scare me as much as it used to.  Death will be a release from pain.  In about 40 years or so, hopefully.


What scares me, really scares, right deep to the bone, makes me shiver inside because it's too big to be embraced, is leaving.  I'm not ready to leave this life.  I'm not ready to leave my daughter, the shining star in my skies.  I'm not ready to be yet another woman who has abandoned my husband to the other side of the veil (though at least he will know it's not voluntary).  I'm not ready for them to go on, without me.  I'm not ready to let them be sad.  I barely let her cross the road at 12 years old, without holding my hand, how am I supposed to cope with the idea of her being out these in the real world, on her own, completely responsible for herself.

I hope she makes awesome, amazing, close friends, to be her "family" when we are gone.  I wish I'd made her siblings to love and to love her, to grow old with.


My funeral has been planned out for decades (I went through a dark phase) and the music chosen, with only one additions through the years.  I shall have my all time favourite song, Kate Bush's "Wuthering Heights" for when they show all the pictures and I hope they choose the most embarassing ones they can find and make everyone laugh as well a cry.  "Bella's Lullaby"  (Yes, from Twilight) for the removing of the coffin containing the broken and worn remains of this plaything I call my body.

The music that plays while everyone gathers and waits for the eulogy, that will be totally inappropriate for a funeral.  Just as I am inappropriate in my everyday life.  "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls.  Because it always makes me smile.  Because when I was sad, I would play his song (on cassingle in the car) and sing it over and over, so loud, and it felt like fun.  It sounded like fun.  It made me feel like life could be FUN!

For the flowers, I will ask people to pick daisies from their garden to throw in the open grave, so I will have a coffin covered with the prettiest flowers and it will have been something they have touched, taken a moment to dedicate to me, something of "us" to stay with me.

I love eulogies.  I definately prefer them to be about a life lived to 80.  At my Pop's funeral, I learnt so much about his life before my Dad was born.  The part a grandchild has no real connection with.  It was lovely to know.

I want my eulogy read with tears and sad gaps.  At my Grandad's funeral, I was asked to read the eulogy.  Which I did with clear voice and lovely elocution, because I really wasn't that much of a fan.  I was pleased I kept the anger out of my voice.  I don't want that for my funeral. 

And maybe, just maybe, they'll put this picture on my order of service.


The "most often chosen by friends to put on their wall" picture of me.

Pre-baby (well, sort of, I just didn't know there was a lil' Princess growing in my tummy till a week later!) when I still had a figure, in my "Ginger Spice" persona.  Still haven't gotten around to sewing the Union Jack onto that dress.  Miss the figure, don't miss the younger confused and disoriented soul!  I also miss my hairdresser.  I have never found one as good again.  See those boobies?  Three weeks earlier they had been barely b-cups.  And yet it was the nausea that had me running for a pregnancy test.  Ditz.

 *Ahem* 
Soz, I digress.

Hubby wishes to video his own eulogy, adding to it every ten years or so.  Then he wants his ashes burnt and scattered from the top of his favourite building in the city.  The thought of people walking below getting something in their eye and it BEING MY HUSBAND is just too wrong and I have told him no.  He then said he'd haunt me if I didn't.  Win-Win for me!

Have you thought about your funeral?  Planned the music?  Do fears of death play on your mind?  If you want to talk about it, comment below or blog and link up to Edenland's Fresh Horses Brigade.

Edenland's Fresh Horses Brigade

8 comments:

  1. Is it really wrong that I just love the hell out of this post?
    The bit about someone getting a bit of your husband in their eye had me snorting coffee the wrong way, and DAMN that burns.

    But leaving is the part that breaks my heart, too. There's so much that's going to happen in my kids' lives, and I don't want to miss a single second of it.

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  2. Wannabe is a cracker of a song choice! So is Wuthering Heights. Kate Bush never fails to tug at my heartstrings. (My other fave of hers is A Woman's Work). I love that you have planned every detail.

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  3. Oh my god what a bloody cracker of a post. LOVE IT. Love your boobs, your sass, your wistfulness.

    Thank you so much for linking up. How gorgeous and distinctive is Kate Bush, man.

    XXX eden

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  4. LOVE that picture of you in your Ginger Spice persona! And the thought of your husband dropping in someone's eye- that would be unsettling, indeed :)

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  5. I'm a Spice girls fan from way back, so I think Wannabe is an awesome choice. You can so pull off Ginger.

    Love your post!

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  6. Thanks, Madam Bipolar.
    Toni, thanks :-D and glad to have made you laugh, even with the bad timing.
    "This woman's work" is a gorgeous song, Deb, I love it too. She has done some beautiful music.
    Thanks, Edenland, I'm loving your inspiration with the Fresh Horses Brigade.
    Thanks, Twitchy, it's one of those pics where the lighting and angle was just right, the one's taken before and after just didn't have that pizazz.
    Girl Power to you, Snowball!

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  7. I LOVE wuthering heights! My dad used to leap around the lounge room when this song came on the telly at dinner time and squealed like a pig! We nearly wet our pants laughing at him as little kids!

    I also love Wolfmother's version of the song.

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