Yesterday, we went to a funeral of a beloved family member. It was a wonderful, loving funeral but it sucks in every possible way that there had to be a funeral at all. Funerals should be for 80-90 years olds, so that we can all get a smile from them having fulfilled their life dreams and sentimental tears as they play a sideshow of pictures of them throughout their lives.
It always broke a little piece off my heart that my Oma-In-Law lost her husband when he was 55 and she lived the next 40 odd years missing her loved one. My heart ached for my Mum, whose Mother was taken away from her at age six, by her father (note the diminished respect indicated by the lack of a capital letter), and as the reconcilliation began to take off when Mum was in her early thirties, she then lost her Mother to a heart attack and has never really had that close mother/daughter relationship.
These things were bad.
Taking my cousin's soulmate away from him, taking a most devoted mother away from children aged 4 to 12, leaving their vibrant and glowing life so grey, taking her life away from her when she had so many wonderful plans and dreams and so much love to give, that has cracked my heart and left a bleeding wound.
It's wrong, it sucks, it bites, I cry and cry and cry and it can't be fixed and I hate that it can't be fixed and I miss the state of denial. Can I go back there, pretty please?
So. Every time I visited my cousin-in-law, I would come home inspired, enthused and ready to take on the world. She would have either taught me something specific, shown me some new and wonderful way she does things or simply have bolstered my confidence, because she really did believe that every person was valuable and worthwhile and I always came home with that sense of belief in myself after a visit.
I am going to do that for myself now. Starting with this post which has taken six attempts. I am going to finish what I start and I am going to get a lot done and I am going to reach for my dreams.
And only cry for her once a day.
*blows J a kiss where ever she is* You rock. Always.